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Don’t try to understand
‘em
Just rope ‘em, pull and
brand ‘em
- Theme from
“Rawhide”
There are times
when a parent has to be absolutely clear. Kids are better at figuring the
angles than we are, being natural born attorneys, and it’s up to us to train it
out of them. For you who have actually raised an attorney, that was just
something I read somewhere and I don’t find lawyer jokes one bit funny. No
defamation there.
Anyway, when my son, then 9, asked when he would be allowed to have an ear
pierced, I laid out three simple criteria: “When you’re 18, have left the
house, and I’m dead.” Simple, direct, no loopholes.
Truth be told, a pierced ear is pretty tame these days. When everyone from your
accountant to the kid grilling your burgers sports one I don’t know that it
symbolizes rebellion or much of anything else. Mainly, I just don’t like it.
This is no kid’s favorite answer, but sometimes it’s the honest one.
America’s young are relentless in their crusade to give seizures to geezers.
From zoot suits to Mohawks, each generation has loved little better than to
annoy its elders – who no doubt deserve it for what they did to theirs. Most of
us learn to peeve our parents pretty young, which quite possibly explains the
“Teletubbies” phenomenon in its entirety.
Still, things do seem to be getting a little extreme. No one much notices a
man’s earring; even blue hair with spikes doesn’t get a second look in most
towns. Tattoos are passe, and my startle reflex barely does a cartwheel over a
pierced lip, down from the usual triple axle with flying dismount.
So what could possibly be next? Try brands, and I’m not talking about Calvin
Klein. I mean real live, cattle drive, branding. Time magazine credits one
Fakir Musafar as the driving force behind this hot fashion. Musafar is a former
advertising executive turned “shaman,” a career switch that likely involved
little more than changing business cards. He runs a state-licensed branding
school right here in California, making me wonder why I wasted my time studying
business and if there’s anything the state won’t sanction for a large enough
fee.
Time reports that even branding is too tame for some. The more extreme range
from those who have their tongues forked to Star Trek devotees attempting to
surgically morph into Klingons. I suppose everyone needs a hobby, but it’ll
never replace stamp collecting.
Take Erik Sprague, 27, who spends his spare time turning himself into a lizard.
One does not just become a lizard overnight: it has taken years to file his
teeth into fangs, get Teflon implants to enlarge his forehead, and have his body
tattooed with scales. He must be a real hoot on job interviews.
I
was so taken by Time’s photo of Mr. Sprague that I made it the wallpaper for our
computer. This has sparked a running battle with Girl-Child, who changes it
back to clouds or bunnies every chance she gets. I threatened to replace it
with a picture of a seriously perforated Mr. Musafar I found on his web site
while researching this piece, but was dissuaded by her proposal for the creative
use of nausea as a bargaining tool.
So what will our grandkids do to irk our kids? What comes after Klingons,
lizards, and brands? What new craze might get the old startle reflex back to
Olympic form? My bet: amputation.
You may think I’m kidding, but it shocked you, didn’t it? That is exactly the
point, age-old disclaimers of “I just like it” aside. My Grandmother used to
talk about folks who’d “cut off their nose to spite their face;” that may one
day seem noble compared to doing it to spite others.
These fads will be around as long as people herd up in the name of
individuality, a deceit that would make ex-adman Musafar proud. But until then,
head ‘em up, move ‘em on, move ‘em on, head ‘em up, Rawhide! Hyaa!
© 1997 – 2002 Brent Morrison
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