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I have spent much of the last eight years dissecting
research on a variety of matters for this column, which I do as a
public service. Besides developing the ability to read the official
language of science, commonly known as “gobbledygook,” without
slipping into a coma, I have learned to find practical uses for
seemingly useless facts.
For instance, last year I wrote about a study conducted
by McMaster University in Ontario, Canada. Researchers presented
male and female college students photos of people of the opposite
sex, some attractive and some not. The test subjects were then
offered the choice of receiving a small amount of money immediately
or getting a much larger payout after a short wait.
Predictably, females always held on for the big bucks
while the males who had been leering at pictures of beauties grabbed
the quick loot. The story was widely reported under one variation
or another of the headline “Pretty Women Make Men Stupid,” which,
while technically true, is simply not useful information. At least
not for men.
No, that took the keen eye of a trained observer, in
this case me. I advised men to keep the McMaster study handy for
the next time a boneheaded stunt inspired their beloved to ask the
age-old question of women throughout history, “How could you
possibly be so stupid?”
Finally, I explained, there was a practical answer:
“Honey, I am just so blinded by your incredible beauty that I can’t
think straight. It’s a proven fact. I am very sorry, but you can’t
fight biology.”
I didn’t try it myself of course, not wanting to risk my
professional impartiality. But no one accepted my invitation to let
me know how it turned out so I’m sure it worked just fine. I figure
no complaints means no problems.
Now comes research from the University of Sheffield in
England, which was reported under captions like “Male Brains Not
Wired to Listen to Women.” Most women could tell you they don’t
feel sufficiently listened to by their men, and to the untrained eye
it might appear this could be used like the McMaster study. I can
hear it now: “I wasn’t ignoring you; it’s a brain thing. I can’t
help it.”
Wrong, wrong, wrong. Women might accept that men have
congenital brain defects but the approach lacks finesse. For that,
one must learn the details.
According to the University of Sheffield’s website,
researchers played recordings of male and female voices for a number
of male subjects. They found that the men deciphered male and
female voices in different parts of their brains.
Men apparently process female voices in the auditory
section of the brain, which also handles music. According to the
website, “The female voice is actually more complex than the male
voice (and has) greater natural melody … When a man hears a female
voice (his brain) analyzes the different sounds in order to ‘read’
the voice and determine the auditory face.” In other words, he
mentally scopes her out to guess her “sex, size, and age.”
Men process male voices in a more primitive part of the
brain that is usually used
for choosing between cheesy nachos and extra cheesy nachos. The
research did not address how women analyze a man’s voice but I
suspect they mainly hear it as a series of grunts and clicks. No
melody there.
In any event, men, here’s the spin. The next time
you’re nailed not paying attention, whip out the Sheffield study and
say “Honey, your voice is music to my ears. I was so caught up in
the symphony that I couldn’t hear the words.”
I’d love to test it myself, but, you know, impartiality,
conflicts of interest, and so forth. But please feel free to let me
know how it works.
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