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I have written about high school graduations almost
every June since I began this column. That’s a bit odd as I don’t
usually write seasonal pieces; I think I’ve only written about
Christmas once. Until this year, I haven’t even had a child
graduating.
We Americans have very few true rites of passage.
Different faiths have theirs, but high school graduation is the one
near-universal ritual marking childhood’s end. For some it comes
with personal glory, but most of us just wear our gown and sit with
the class, not having done what it takes to earn a spot at the
podium. That includes me; I once wrote that I could have been my
class valedictorian but it turned out you had to have good grades.
So we don’t enter the world on equal footing, but it
tends to be a lot more equal than in high school. I lost track of
my class valedictorian, a brilliant, funny, self-effacing fellow
whom I liked a great deal, but the last I heard he did not attend
college or marry and has spent his life “finding himself.” Others,
with less obvious potential, went on to achieve well beyond what
anyone, except perhaps themselves, would have guessed.
As graduation speakers have noted since the dawn of
modern education, commencement day is both an end and a beginning.
This is true not only for students but their parents, who will see
their lives change as nests empty and wallets are flattened by
tuition payments. Most parents get accustomed to their personal
freedom and financial bondage one departing child at a time, like
entering a pool inch by inch; my wife and I are taking the plunge,
with both of our children graduating at once.
This unnatural act is courtesy of my son, who is
graduating a year early. It is especially astonishing given there
was a time I wouldn’t have bet even money he’d graduate at all, but
here we are and I couldn’t be more proud – or terrified.
My daughter too could have graduated early and almost
did, but instead chose a light schedule and part-time work. At the
very least I hope the savings she piled up will ease our tuition
load, but she’s been a little vague about her bank balance. She has
a real nice wardrobe, though.
Just as graduation is an end and a beginning, it is also
a time to both let go and hold on. We have raised self-sufficient
kids who will undoubtedly make sure we let go (except the part about
tuition). This is natural and healthy, but as they look excitedly
ahead my wife and I long to make sure we are more than a speck in
their rearview mirrors.
We have no rational reason to worry about this. Both
kids still more-or-less depend on us, turn to us for advice, and
have kept us involved in their lives. We did the same with our
parents, but it’s almost like fear of the dark. There’s usually no
real danger except for the occasional stumble but it’s scary
anyway.
For us there is symmetry to it. Our children are not
quite a year apart in age so we got in quickly; it makes sense that
we get out the same way. And in a sense the beginning and end are
not that different. Both are exercises in the unknown for which you
can only do so much to prepare, and over which you don’t have as
much control as you thought.
I have heard that life begins when the kids leave home
and the dog dies. The kids aren’t gone yet and the dog looks
disturbingly healthy, but life is definitely changing. It is our
own graduation of sorts, both an end and a beginning.
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