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Preparing my annual predictions column last
January, I free-associated a few dozen ideas then jazzed up what I hoped were
the best 12. Saved the rest for possible recycling. Topping the discard list
was this: If the top rap star is white and the world’s greatest golfer is
black, why not a Japanese basketball star? Now comes 7-foot-1 Wang Zhi Zhi of
China, the NBA’s first Asian player. Probably would have been my best guess all
year. Also nixed a “Chipmunks” comeback tour; Monica Lewinsky turning pro
wrestler (chickened out on a ring name, though); a demand by People for the
Ethical Treatment of Animals for reparations for chickens, and; some gibberish
about a new “Star Trek,” space geezers, and the planet Priceline. To think I
went with the one about Julia Butterfly Hill marrying “Big Foot.”
*****
Recently declined an invitation to join a golf
foursome, citing my excruciating style of play. Have wondered if sedatives
might help, to keep my partners from clubbing me to death, so I have enormous
admiration for Tiger Woods’ feat of holding all four “majors” titles at once.
Predictably, the sport’s lesser talents (which covers everyone) are quibbling
over whether this is a “grand slam” as the victories span two calendar years.
They can call it anything they like but there’s only one word for the naysayers:
sour grapes. OK that’s two, but I’ll take one over par any day.
*****
Did an Internet search for my name recently, largely for the heck of
it. Got 102 hits, few of them me. There was a fellow calling for the boycott
of a donut chain, definitely not me. Also a sportswriter, a paintball warrior,
the city clerk of Piedmont, Alabama, a restaurant reviewer, a juvenile
delinquent, and the antagonist of a romance novel. Did find a fellow
accountant, though still not me. The “Brent Morrison” most likely not to be
me? The 1998 Canadian Professional Golf Association Instructor Of The Year. Go
Tiger!
*****
While negotiating the release of
the captive airmen, our government held up the planned purchase of black berets
from China. (The berets will become standard issue for the U.S. Army effective
this June.) That’ll fix ’em. They may still have our plane but they can just
forget about the hats. I’d have been more inclined to return the berets to
whence they came, each atop a properly equipped soldier. Explains why I’m not
president, but then it wasn’t my idea to dress the army like mimes either.
*****
Ending the puppies debate, we took my
daughter’s pug “Ollie” for spaying last week. Made a pretty sad picture upon
her return, not her usual wired self. Have seen sure signs of recovery, though,
like dragging in her rope toy for a little tug-o-war and cutting a few last baby
teeth on the cat. That aside, Girl-Child declared her healed after one key
milestone: eating her first post-op Chapstick. The dog generally goes through
one or two members of the Chapstick family a week (lip gloss and the like), but
had stuck to cottage cheese after the surgery. Ground-level lip gloss is not
hard to find around here – despite constant nagging – but for once was glad to
hear it.
*****
You know somebody’s going to take it in the shorts on this one: Fruit of the
Loom is suing competitor Gildan Activewear, alleging industrial espionage. Not
sure what kind of secrets there are in the undie trade but I suspect the main
winners here will be the lawyers. Probably already filed briefs.
*****
My March 21 column included a plug for Butte
County Big Brothers/Big Sisters annual Bowl For Kids Sake fundraiser. Much fun
was had; especially enjoyed the bowling dog. Why is David Letterman never
around when you need him? Anyway it was a great time and the money raised will
help a lot of local kids. Thanks to all who participated.
© 1997- 2002 Brent Morrison
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