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About anything
you want to know these days, and more than a few you don’t, can be found on the
World Wide Web. It seems like you can pick any word or phrase that occurs to
you, put “www” in front and “.com” on the back, hit the return key, and you’re
off.
To test the
theory I decided to try a little exercise in free association. The Internet is
so vast that even randomness requires a few rules, so in that spirit I
arbitrarily chose these: I searched for .com sites only, excluding .net, .gov,
.edu, and so on; I entered phrases as one word, with no spaces, and; I omitted
punctuation. Other than that I just typed and clicked.
The first order
of business was to see if you really can find “Anything” on the Web. You can,
but you need permission to access it. You might also discover “Everything” or
“Nothing,” though the latter makes the reader wade through bytes and bytes of
cosmic drivel.
For more of the
same, seek the “Meaning Of Life.” “Hell” is online, predictably, but one must
find “Heaven” elsewhere. “In The Beginning” seems to be just that, a skeletal
site with links that aren’t yet connected. Like heaven, “God” is not on the
Internet, though “Jesus” is.
I tried the
next one at the risk of opening a porn site; it wasn’t. Though not presently in
use, I got a message that “Monica Lewinsky” has been sold. “Linda Trip” and
“Ken Starr” are there, but “Bill Clinton” is off the information superhighway.
Internet inventor “Al Gore” is on, of course, as is rival “George W. Bush.”
Yes Virginia,
there is a “Santa Claus.” He can be found as easily as the “Tooth Fairy” and
the “Easter Bunny.”
“Where’s
Waldo?” Not on the Web; likewise for “Jimmy Hoffa’s Body.” Diogenes would be
pleased to know that you can find at least one “Honest Man” and “One Good Man”
to boot, complete with an icon to email him marriage proposals. You may also
discover “Love” or “Mr. Right,” which promises to be “the most useful site on
the Web.” This is probably true as it knocked me offline twice, prompting me to
consider whether there might be a better way to spend a sunny Saturday
afternoon.
There is, but
first I thought I would see if I could find “Miss Right.” I have mine, thank
you very much, but you can meet yours on the Web – as long as your idea of Miss
Right is a Russian mail-order bride.
Next I tried a
small study in opposites. There is no “Yes,” but yes, there is “No,” which is
for sale. One site says that though it’s not in use the owner won’t sell
“High;” you apparently can’t buy “Low” either, as it is an active site. You can
“Go” but not “Stop” and head “Up” but not “Down.” There are, however, “Cats”
and “Dogs,” “Right” and “Left,” and “Black” and “White.” Moderates will be
happy to learn that there is also “Shades Of Gray.”
“Winners” links
to gambling sites so could more accurately be called “Losers,” except that that
consists entirely of what appears to be a haiku: “You step in the stream, but
the water has moved on, this page is not here.”
There is no “Dotcom.com,”
which strikes me as a major oversight. As does the absence of “Yadda Yadda
Yadda,” “Hula Hoop,” “Once Upon A Time,” “I’m OK You’re OK,” “Soup Nazi,”
“What’s Up Doc,” “Okey Dokey,” “Read My Lips,” and “Elvis.”
Still, there is
“Peace,” “Quiet,” “Happiness,” and “Contentment” on the Internet. OK, “Quiet”
is under construction and you can’t get past the first page of “Contentment,”
but so it is in real life. In the end, though, you can get your “Just Desserts”
in cyberspace.
Unlike this
column, “The End” is still under construction on the web. So for now
“Buckaroos,” it’s “Happy Trails To You,” until we surf again.
© 1997 – 2002 Brent Morrison
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