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It started as
the world’s stupidest question: “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” In year 2000
America, the answer is easy – everyone.
Not that
there’s anything wrong with that per se, but you’ll notice the show isn’t called
“Who Wants To Put Themselves Through College, Work 18 Hour Days, Scrimp And Save
All Your Life, Then Maybe Have A Nice Retirement?” No fun in that.
And what of
philanthropy? Why not “Who Wants To Cure Cancer?” or “Who Wants To Secure World
Peace?” More like “Who Cares?” if there’s easy cash to be had.
Now answering
the question “Who Wants to Pimp For A Millionaire?”, the Fox network has wrought
“Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?” Instant gratification gone mad,
“Multi” featured 50 women grinding through a cheesy parody of a beauty contest
for the right to marry a rich guy who spent most of the evening hidden by an
opaque screen. Not since “Wizard of Oz” has so much attention been paid to the
man behind the curtain.
I
didn’t watch the show, but it’s easy to picture paramedics with cardiac
resuscitators dashing in and out of National Organization For Women chapters all
over the country. I picture a prenuptial agreement the size of Rhode Island.
Worse yet, I see sequels and knockoffs.
Fox cried uncle
when the marriage lasted only slightly longer than the broadcast, not to mention
the unseemly disclosures about the groom and addled news interviews of the
bride. Still, the ratings were boffo, so I suspect some keeper of the public
trust will revive “Multi” in some form. And if there turns out to be a limited
supply of eligible millionaire bachelors who can’t get their own date, there are
a lot of other ways to go with the concept. Greed isn’t the only thing
motivating folks these days.
Take vanity.
If Fox is truly swearing off arranged marriages, they might want to consider
“Who Wants To Have Plastic Surgery?” Scantily clad contestants would parade
their love handles, misshapen noses, unsightly body hair, bunions, cellulite,
bald heads, or anything else that has them annoyed with nature. They could then
earn points toward various procedures by answering trivia questions. Assistance
would be available from the audience, as on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?,”
but if the crowd helps they get to choose the surgery. This might be the only
game show in history where it’s more fun to be in the audience than on stage.
I don’t mean to
suggest that people only care about money or vanity; there are always the thrill
seekers. For them, how about “Who Wants to be a Stuntman?” Weekly winners
would star in a Mountain Dew commercial. A grand champion would be chosen
annually to appear in a fight scene on “Martial Law” and get their spleen kicked
out on national television. Life insurance provided compliments of the show.
And let’s not
forget the power hungry; after all, it is an election year. What better time to
launch “Who Wants To Be A Despot?” Contestants would dress up as history’s
vilest tyrants, such as Saddam Hussein, Benito Mussolini, or Leona Helmsley,
then vie for the right to rule their own third world country. The runner up
would be awarded the Reform Party nomination for president, which would be a lot
more dignified than the process they have now.
Or why doesn’t
someone just cut to the chase and launch “Who Wants To End Western Civilization
As We Know It?” For this show, Hollywood wannabes would try to dream up a “Who
Wants” concept so bizarre that no network would air it. Maybe “Who Wants To
Slip Into A Coma?” or “Who Wants To Be A Human Sacrifice?” Or get really wacky
and take a shot at “Who Wants To See Quality News And Entertainment On Broadcast
Television?”
Nah, that would
never fly. But if you want to play “Who Wants A Safe Bet?, ” try this: If
there’s a buck in it, you’ll see it on primetime.
© 1997 – 2002 Brent Morrison
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