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For many years I began each January with predictions for
the coming 12 months. Well, not exactly predictions; due to a
strange series of delivery mix-ups, it seems I was getting my
December 31 newspaper a year early.
It hasn’t happened for a while, but I just received my
December 31, 2004 paper. Please join me now for a fond look back at
“2004: The Year in Review.”
*****
January – The 2004 presidential election got off
to a rocky start when a ballot error caused the Iowa Democratic
caucuses to select singer/sausage magnate Jimmy Dean instead of
former Vermont governor Howard Dean. A party spokesman declared,
“We meant to do that. Mr. Dean is a beloved public figure, a
patriot, and a great American success story who really knows his
pork, uh, I mean business.”
February – In response to criticism of her
increasingly skimpy attire, pop singer Britney Spears attends the
2004 Grammy Awards show completely naked. Few notice the
difference.
March – Magicians Siegfried & Roy return to the
stage with a new act featuring albino Chihuahuas. Asked if the show
would be as exciting without tigers, Roy Horn replied, “Exciting?
Are you nuts? That sucker tried to eat me! ‘Just being protective’
my butt. I wouldn’t own a housecat.” The show closes after one
night.
April – France reverses itself and agrees to
commit troops to coalition forces occupying Iraq, an action welcomed
by the US commander, Lieutenant General Ricardo Sanchez. “I’m not
sure how we’ll use them yet,” the general told a reporter. “Things
are going pretty good right now, but their expertise will come in
handy if there is ever any surrendering to be done.”
May – Fox Television signs Paris Hilton for a
sequel to her hit reality show “The Simple Life,” to be titled “The
Simpleton Life.”
June – Shaken by the capture of Saddam Hussein
and the voluntary disarmament of Libya, a tape purporting to be from
Osama bin Laden is striking for its toned-down rhetoric. Most
notably, the usual chant of “Death to America!” is replaced by cries
of “Receding gums to Montana!”
July – Reacting to protests by animal rights
activists and fears caused by the discovery of mad cow disease in a
Washington state dairy cow, McDonald’s introduces the “McBeet”
sandwich.
August – Saying “If you can’t beat them, join
them,” the president of the International Olympic Committee
introduces the “steroid triathlon” at the Summer Olympics in
Athens. In the three-event sport, steratheletes compete in a
round-robin bar brawl, bench press a late model Buick, then turn
green and burst out of their clothes. California governor Arnold
Schwarzenegger throws the honorary first punch.
September – Despite the refusal of the United
States to release him, Saddam Hussein is tried in absentia by the
United Nations. He is found guilty of double parking and sentenced
to community service.
October – Following in the footsteps of other
classic rock bands of the 1960s, “The Chipmunks” kick off their long
awaited reunion tour. The tour is cancelled when lead singer Alvin
is found to be carrying monkeypox.
November – For the first time since 1988, America
elects a president with a majority of the popular vote. Chaos
follows when the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals rules the
election process unfairly discriminated against losing candidates
based solely on the number of votes they received.
December – The United States Supreme Court
overturns the 9th Circuit, allowing President-elect Dean to begin
his transition. “I am grateful to the Court and the American people
for trusting me with this great responsibility,” avowed the victor.
“I don’t know who’s going to run the sausage factory, but I’m sure
it will work out.” The Court’s ruling also limits the 9th Circuit’s
future jurisdiction to littering offenses.
*****
Here’s wishing you the best for 2004. It was a great
year.
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