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Don’t turn this
page! You’ve probably seen all the year 2000 reviews you care to, but this is
the only place you will find a look back at 2001 for another 12 months. So beat
the rush and join me for a sneak peek at “2001: The Year In Review.”
January – In
response to the state’s growing energy crisis, California Gov. Gray Davis
launched his “Better To Light A Candle Than To Curse The Darkness” program. The
effort has no measurable impact on energy consumption but does result in less
cursing of the dark. This was replaced entirely by cursing of Gov. Davis.
February –
The former vice president of the United States told reporters he did not invent
the Internet, was not the inspiration for the novel “Love Story,” and that he
had never run for president. “If I did, I sure wouldn’t lose to some goofball
with nothing going but his daddy’s name,” declared Albert Gore Jr.
March – Plans
for a controlled descent of the Russian space station Mir went awry when it
crash-landed in rural Alabama, leaving a crater shaped like Elvis.
April –
Ending all pretenses at customer service, the country’s largest airline changed
its name to “Suck Air.” “Look, pal,” said a spokesman. “We leave when we want,
land when we want, and play hockey with your luggage. What makes you think we
can’t call ourselves anything we darn well please?” The accompanying “If You
Don’t Like It, Walk To Europe” ad campaign wins a “Truth In Advertising” award.
May – 90s
nostalgia swept the land as Americans revel in such golden oldies as Ally McBeal
reruns, Pokemon trading cards, and Bill Clinton impeachment memorabilia.
June –
Florida’s Walt Disney World opened a new roller coaster called “The Dangling
Chad.” Riders are punched down a rail at nearly 100 miles per hour, then kept
hanging while a jury of the Seven Dwarfs decides whether to let them down or
leave them up in the air for a month.
July –
President Bush told a news conference he isn’t bothered by running gags
lampooning his verbal gaffs. “I don’t think I misspeak more than most folks,”
said the president, “but it’s all in good fun and I take no offense. I have no
oxen to grind with anyone.”
August –
Seeking to reclaim their glory years, the struggling Chicago Bulls offered
Michael Jordan $1 billion, a gold plated Cadillac, head-to-toe tattoos of his
choice, and the nation of Peru to rejoin the team. Jordan declined, stating he
had achieved everything he wanted as a player. “Besides,” he noted, “I just
sold Peru.”
September
– Scientists astound the nation with the capture of a live “Big Foot.” Its
subsequent marriage to tree-sitter Julia Butterfly Hill is the social event of
the year.
October – Fox
Television debuts a reality show in which an economist, a stockbroker, a banker,
and Ross Perot are chained to Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan.
“Hike This!” has Americans glued to their TVs as each interest rate change
twists the wacky fed head into the same knot as the economy.
November –
Rumors of Saddam Hussein’s death spread following the release of a hit single by
the Iraqi pop group “Scud Boy Slim.” The controversy erupts when it was found
that the song, “I Buried Saddam,” when played backward says “Mad as deer rub,
I.” The reports were found false after the dictator was spotted buying Clinton
memorabilia at a Cleveland area K-Mart.
December –
New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton underscored her determination not to
seek the Democrat presidential nomination by introducing members of her newly
formed “Cross My Heart 2004” committee. The press conference fell into disarray
when Mrs. Clinton repeatedly confused the word “fingers” for “heart.”
There was more, of
course. Who could forget those goofy new laws in Berkeley, the Sacramento Kings
winning the NBA title, the U.S.-Canadian border wars, or Jesse Ventura’s rap
record? But for now, have a good 2001. It was a great year.
© 1997- 2002 Brent Morrison
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