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They’ve been
just about everywhere: reviews of the year 1999, the decade, the century, and
the millennium.
That’s fine,
but I guarantee this is the only place you’ll find a retrospective of the year
2000 for at least another 11 months. So here it is, my third annual look back
at the year to come:
January 31
– Buoyed by her successful 2-year stay in an old-growth redwood named “Luna,”
environmental activist Julia Butterfly Hill took up residence on a platform in
Donald Trump’s hair. “It’s a national treasure,” said Ms. Hill of the coif she
calls “Lucre.” Trump could not be reached for comment.
February 14
– The bond market closed at a record high today after reports that Federal
Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan had been spotted at a screening of the new “007”
film.
March 6
–A Los Angeles Times poll found that in a hypothetical presidential matchup, 27%
of likely voters would support George W. Bush, 24% preferred Al Gore, and 19%
backed Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura. Sixteen percent stated no preference,
while the remaining 14% hoped that a comet would destroy the earth before
November.
April 19
– The entertainment industry was stunned by the revelation that Latin pop
sensation Ricky Martin was really Lucille Ball’s former TV husband, Ricky
Ricardo. A spokesman for the late actress’ estate was “thrilled,” but added
“He’s got some ‘splaining to do.”
May 15
– In response to the well-publicized failures of its Mars orbiter and landing
missions last year, NASA today announced scaled back plans to probe a Mars candy
bar.
June 22
– Recalling similar actions against tobacco and guns, an organization of state
attorneys general released their plans to sue the funeral industry. “Don’t
think we haven’t noticed that all their customers end up dead,” commented the
lead attorney. “There has to be money in this, and we’re going to get a ton of
it.” In reaction, an industry spokesperson responded “Huh?”
July 3 –
The antitrust investigation of Microsoft took a bizarre turn today when Bill
Gates was alleged to be the alter ego of Alfred E. Neuman. “I mean just look at
the guy,” said a Justice Department official. “Glasses might work for Clark
Kent, but not Neuman.” Though denying the charge, when asked if the disclosure
might speed a legal settlement, the Microsoft chairman replied “What, me hurry?”
August 10
– Following major weather disturbances caused by first “El Nino” then “La Nina,”
the National Weather Service warned of a threatening new storm pattern
developing off the coast of France called “Le Ninny.”
September 13
– In what is thought to be a first, the participants in the initial post-primary
debate of the 2000 presidential campaign agreed to a three-way tie after Reform
Party candidate Jesse “The Booby” Ventura suggested that he and his opponents
settle their differences outside.
October 25
– In the last televised debate before the election, GOP nominee George W. Bush
promised that if elected he would annex Mexico and install air shocks and an
“oogah horn” on the presidential limousine. Democrat hopeful Al Gore pledged to
use the power of the presidency to bring about peace in the middle east, finish
his work on a cure for cancer, and invent time travel so he could prevent World
War II. Reform candidate Jesse Ventura repeated his assertion that followers of
organized religion are weak-minded, revealed that he now wishes to be
reincarnated as a 3-day deodorant pad, rotated his head in a full circle, and
bit the head off a live chicken.
November 7
– For the third consecutive time, America elects a president with less than a
majority of the popular vote. President-elect Ventura fulfilled a major
campaign promise by appointing a blue ribbon commission to study adding a bust
of Loni Anderson to Mount Rushmore.
December 21
– Ending speculation as to his post-White House plans, President Clinton told a
press conference he had signed as a pitchman for Popeil’s “Fishin’ Magician.”
The announcement was accompanied by the debut of the product’s new slogan, “I
Reel Your Game.”
*****
Well, that’s
the highlights. I’d share more but some of it gets a little goofy.
© 1997 – 2002 Brent Morrison
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