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The CBS television show “Early Edition” is as big a hit
with my wife and kids as with anyone, but I have to admit that I
find the premise a little unlikely. I mean come on, a guy gets
tomorrow’s newspaper today, reads the headline, then goes out and
saves the world. It’s burden enough to read today’s news today.
Now I’m not so sure. I’ll be darned if I didn’t unfold
this morning’s paper and spot the date “December 31, 1998.” But
rather than save the world, let me share a few highlights from
“1998: The Year in Review.”
February 24 – The Monica Lewinski scandal was
revealed to be a giant misunderstanding when an attorney for the
former White House intern queried reporters “‘Sex?’ We thought you
said ‘sax.’”
March 29 – After calling the lead U.N. weapons
inspector a “rabid woodchuck,” Saddam Hussein finally consented to
searches of all military facilities. Investigators confiscate the
entire Iraqi arsenal, consisting of 30,224 slingshots, 1,117 armored
Volkswagen Jettas, 164 crop dusters loaded with “Right Guard Extra
Dry,” six weed whackers, two bass boats, and a “Presto Salad
Shooter.”
April 3 – Disaster was narrowly averted aboard
the Russian space station Mir when cosmonauts successfully replaced
the station’s failed main computer with a Nintendo “Game Boy.”
Commander Haventi Hadenov reported that the routine on the station
returned to near normal, but requested the next re-supply mission
include Game Boy cartridges to replace their current selection of
“Space Invaders” and “Death Watch II.”
April 27 – Attorney General Janet Reno resigned
her post today to become the replacement for Spice Girl “Scary
Spice.” Scary, in tears, was last heard sobbing “Who can compete?
Who?” Ms. Reno, meanwhile, requested that in the future she be
referred to only by her stage name, “Cranky Spice.”
May 30 – Upon his return to earth, former Mir
Commander Hadenov leaves the Russian space program to take a
lucrative position representing the baling wire, chewing gum, and
duct tape industries.
June 22 – In other career change news, Chicago
Bulls star Dennis Rodman, declaring that professional basketball had
become “a drag,” retires from the game to open a chain of boutiques
called “Lewd, Rude & Tattooed.”
July 22 – Confessed Unabomer Theodore Kaczynski released the
long-awaited sequel to his popular “Unabomer Manifesto.” “Manifesto
II – Whacked Like Me” debuted on the New York Times bestseller list
at number one with a bullet. A made for television movie was
planned almost immediately, with producers hoping to sign Pauly
Shore to play Kaczynski.
August 10 – In an action meant to protest the
signing of Shore to portray the Unabomer, environmental extremists
cause a national tragedy when they inadvertently spike Al Gore along
with several old-growth redwoods. The Secret Service immediately
doubled the security detail protecting Senate Majority Leader Trent
Lott.
September 13 – The tobacco industry issued a
statement vehemently denying that “Smokey Bear” was actually a tool
designed to lure children into smoking. “It’s despicable. I don’t
know how these things get started,” responded industry spokesman
Lungsy the Rabbit.
October 25 – As a member of the crew of the space
shuttle Discovery, 77-year-old Ohio Sen. John Glenn makes history by
taking the first spacewalk requiring the use of an actual walker.
November 16 – A security camera videotape of President
Clinton sticking up a Washington convenience store is credited with
helping him become the first U.S. chief executive to achieve a
public approval rating in excess of 100%. Several Republican
lawmakers are admitted to area hospitals for treatment of hissy
fits.
December 1 – Republican presidential hopeful Dan
Quayle, unable to fire the public’s interest by disclosure that he
once had “a really big hickey,” shamelessly rips off the president’s
“I feel your pain” tag line: “I Reel Your Brain” is widely
acknowledged as the lamest presidential campaign slogan since
“Tippecanoe and Tyler Too.”
That wraps it up for now. I hope you’ll forgive me,
though, if I keep the World Series and stock market results to
myself.
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