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It’s
getting awfully hard to be ridiculous these days, though heaven knows I try.
I never have more fun
with this column than when I’m being goofy. For instance I recently mused that
Unabomer Ted Kaczynski would be better off if he joined the Kiwanis, and once
predicted that Janet Reno would join the “Spice Girls” under the name “Cranky
Spice.” In another inspired moment I suggested the invention of “Wig Newtons,”
a snack cake with moist fig filling and Propecia (nonfat, grows hair).
Then there were the
times I tested “psychiatric snacks” on my Chihuahua; wrote a poem about Brussels
sprouts-flavored pudding; explained why I named our cat “Psoriasis;” dreamed up
a video game that would require men to correctly answer female questions such as
“Is my meatloaf as good as your mother’s?”; and bemoaned the fact that my son
was just a toddler but already illiterate.
However I have also
been forced to shift gears midway through a spoof because real events came close
enough to make it sound like I was reporting, not commenting. I even batted
.500 with my over-the-top predictions for 1998, including a guess that President
Clinton would be caught committing a felony on videotape and reap record high
approval ratings as a result.
That was written
months before the infamous Jones deposition tapes were made and was meant to
caricature the man’s political invulnerability, yet it happened. The
imagination has its limits though, so I’m not sure I could have conjured up
anything like this:
Parlaying
his performance as a presidential candidate into a career, former senator Bob
Dole will become a spokesman for the drug “Viagra.” Wife Elizabeth will follow
that by announcing her intent to seek the presidency herself, stating “I want
him to retire. One more loss and I’m afraid he’ll be reduced to selling Salad
Shooters on late night TV and dashing off on hopeless diplomatic missions. Kind
of like Jimmy Carter, but without the drawl.”
I’d have scored that
one a bull’s-eye despite the Salad Shooter; the year’s still young. But not
wanting to seem partisan, I might have likewise had a prediction for a fellow
Democrat:
Gearing up
for the 2000 presidential campaign, Vice President Al Gore will soon boast that
he personally invented the Internet. Further, building on his assertion that he
and wife Tipper inspired the lead characters in the book and movie “Love Story,”
Gore will claim that he edited the King James Version of the Bible, sang back-up
on the 1998 rap hit “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It,” and built the first microwave oven
from the radiator of a ’57 Buick.
I’d give
myself at least half credit for that. Gore seems determined to out-Quayle his
immediate predecessor in the faux pas department, and did make the Internet and
“Love Story” claims. But while I was being preposterous, I might have also
dreamed up something for the kids:
“US Naval
Intelligence officials will announce a ban on the possession of the popular
Furby animated doll at all militarily sensitive facilities for fear of
espionage; they will, however, decline comment on rumored court martial
proceedings against G.I. Joe. In a related action, the Secret Service will
forbid the presence of Barbie dolls in White House offices, “for their own
good.”
Furbies
are indeed suspected of counterintelligence activities, so I’d again claim
bragging rights. And since I also like to speculate about the culture, perhaps
I’d take a shot at the world of entertainment:
Pope John
Paul II will release a collection of his favorite psalms and prayers, set to the
accompaniment of hip hop, world beat, and classical music. The CD will be
promoted with a video, heavy rotation on MTV, and an international tour dubbed “Popepalooza.”
So you can
see my problem: it’s not a farce if it’s a fact. And since silliness is
relative, reality sets a pretty tough standard – even without Jesse Ventura.
© 1997 – 2002 Brent Morrison
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