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Few things change a person’s life like the birth of
children. Even people without kids know this, which is probably why
they chose not to have them in the first place. It makes sense,
then, that the departure of children would be just as life changing
as their arrival.
The birth pains of impending adulthood certainly last
longer than pregnancy, starting at about age 13 and ending, well,
I’ll let you know when it’s done. It hurts worse too, or at least
more people feel the pain. The process is also more expensive;
insurance might cover the maternity ward but filing claims for prom
dresses, driving lessons, first cars, and college tuition is a waste
of time. And while my wife has kept in shape, I have put on weight
I’ll probably never lose. My kids argue that’s not their fault but
don’t have much to say when the topic changes to my gray and
thinning hair.
Though much is made of the birth of a child, his or her
exit into adulthood is hardly noticed. Sure there’s high school
graduation, a rite of passage that celebrates the achievements of
the new adult, but what about his or her parents? Their lives
change just as much and they worked as hard or harder to get there.
Parents get a baby shower when their kids arrive; why
not a bye-bye shower when they go? Guests could bring crystal vases
and other breakables, things that show fingerprints, and kitchen
knives and other sharp objects. They could play games like “Holding
an Uninterrupted Conversation” and “Walking Through the Living Room
without Stepping on Cold Pizza.” For party favors, folks could help
themselves to the debris of childhood past like band posters,
outgrown clothes, neglected pets, and anything with a Sesame Street
motif.
As with baby showers, however, the newly liberated
parents would still be on their own when the party is over. And
just as no two people have the exact same ideas about raising
children, no two face an empty nest the same.
My wife and I are fairly like-minded but are still
working out the particulars of our post-childrearing days. I tend
to keep closer tabs on our son, who is through high school and lives
on his own, than our daughter, who is a stay-at-home college
student. I think the boy still needs a firm hand on the rudder,
which, in my wife’s opinion, is all the more reason to let life do
the teaching. Our daughter, on the other hand, is too busy to get
in much trouble but gets her share of babying from Mom – when she
stands still long enough to take it.
I have heard of spouses whose children leave and then
find themselves living with a stranger. We’ve always set aside time
for each other, but the relationship changes when the focus shifts
from the kids. We are learning to be a couple again, as in “just
two,” but fortunately aren’t strangers.
Then there is the matter of free time. We have some
now, or at least the opportunity for it. Gone are the scout
meetings, parent-teacher conferences, little league games, piano
recitals, and a million other things that once soaked up time like a
sponge on spilled orange juice. But a day still has 24 hours and
nature abhors a vacuum, so the time must be filled with something.
We have taken on a home remodeling project that ought to
keep us occupied for a few years. It’s nice to be able to decorate
in ways that weren’t practical with kids in the house, so it’s out
with the old and in with the new. All we need now is a bye-bye
shower.
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