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In January 2004 I revived my practice of making
forecasts for the upcoming year. It turns out the world hasn’t
gotten any more predictable, but, as the saying goes, even a blind
pig finds a truffle now and then. Here’s how I did:
NO
CIGAR:
There were no major ballot errors in the New Hampshire
presidential primary so sausage magnate Jimmy Dean was not mistaken
for Howard Dean and did not score an accidental win. Too bad; I
think we’d all like a president who knows pork when he sees it.
Britney Spears did not put away her increasingly skimpy
outfits and simply attend the 2004 Grammy Awards in the buff. She
did shuck her common sense, getting married twice and lately
carrying an apparently hairless Chihuahua everywhere. But I said
she’d go nude not the dog, so no dice.
France did not change its position and send troops to
Iraq. It turned out there was no surrendering to be done, so they
weren’t missed.
The United Nations did not try Saddam Hussein in
absentia so did not sentence him to community service. So far he
hasn’t been condemned to anything worse than a clean room, three
meals a day, and free medical care. Oh, the humanity!
The US Supreme Court – and everyone else – got a break
when the electoral process did not require its services. I kind of
liked the idea of the Supremes overturning a 9th Circuit
Court of Appeals ruling I had fantasized, finding that the election
unfairly discriminated against the loser solely on the grounds that
he didn’t get enough votes. However, at least one political action
group has alleged pretty much the same thing because the actual
results in some states did not match the early exit polls. Even I
couldn’t predict someone would be wackier than the 9th
Circuit, but it’s still a miss.
CLOSE
(Horseshoes and hand grenades):
Fox Television signed Paris Hilton for a sequel to her
hit reality show “The Simple Life,” as I predicted. They did not
call it “The Simpleton Life” but should have: Hilton made news by
offering a substantial reward for the return of her missing
Chihuahua “Tinker Bell” only to remember she left the shivering
little beast with her grandmother.
While Osama bin Laden did not tone down his rhetoric, he
was apparently reduced to producing little more than a few menacing
tapes. Kind of like Snoop Dogg, but with an audience.
In other Chihuahua news, Siegfried & Roy did not return
to the stage with an act featuring albino Chihuahuas but mauled
magician Roy Horn did make better progress than many predicted. The
duo has publicly speculated about a grand comeback.
The 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens did not include a
“steroid triathlon,” so California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
could not throw the honorary first punch. Major league baseball
stepped in where the Olympics feared to tread so I’ll call this one
close. It isn’t known whether Schwarzenegger will throw out next
season’s first pitch.
BULL’S EYE (More or less)
The United States did indeed elect a president with a
majority of the popular vote for the first time since 1988. It
wasn’t Jimmy Dean, but this prediction was dead on compared to most
of the others so I’ll take it.
I correctly predicted “The Chipmunks” would not join
other classic 1960s bands on the reunion circuit. Spokespersons for
Alvin continue to deny the singer is secretly recovering from
monkeypox.
McDonald’s did make changes to its menu in response to
activist groups, as I predicted, and eliminated the “super size”
option from its combo menu. No word on whether they’ll try my
“McBeet” idea, but it’s a start.
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