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The 2004 presidential debates are over, and after the
post-debate analysis by legions of prattling pundits and a spin
cycle that would do Maytag proud, the race for the White House has
gone from a statistical tie to a dead heat. I blame the debate
format, which was negotiated by the candidates’ campaign staffs and
designed to make sure no actual debating took place.
I prefer the take-it-or-leave-it approach. Under my
method, the wimpy Commission on Presidential Debates would be
replaced by World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc., as the debate
sponsor. WWE would set the rules, which the candidates could either
accept or be called girly-men for the rest of their political
careers.
The moderator would be equipped with a timing light,
warning bell, and a stack of metal folding chairs in case either
candidate ignores the bell. The candidates would ask the questions,
and speak until their time is up or the moderator clubs one or both
with a chair. It might go something like this:
MODERATOR: I would like to thank the Omaha County Gun &
Doll Show for hosting today’s presidential debate. Please keep in
mind that the candidates will shut up when I tell them to. They
must be ready to rumble at all times, but there will be no actual
wrestling because I don’t want to see either of these guys in
Spandex. As determined by a pre-debate arm-wrestling match, Senator
Kerry will ask the first question.
SEN. KERRY: I too express my appreciation to the Gun &
Doll Show and to Governor Ventura for moderating today’s debate. I
would like to ask the president what he is going to do about his
miserable failure in Iraq.
MODERATOR: Then ask him, Nancy-boy.
KERRY: Uh, Mr. President, as everyone knows, I have a
plan to end the war in Iraq. It is a good plan because I have been
planning my plan since I was in the jungles of Vietnam. Since you
obviously don’t have a plan, shouldn’t you at least have a clue?
PRESIDENT BUSH: I do have a Clue, and Monopoly and
Candy Land too. Being president is a hard job. There are many
decisions to be made, lots of them. Was it Colonel Mustard in the
library? Professor Plum in the parlor? Osama in the cave? I tell
you it’s hard work, real hard.
MODERATOR: Thank you Mr. President, I think. You may
now ask a question of Senator Kerry.
BUSH: Senator, have you ever gone a day without
flip-flopping?
KERRY: Why yes, yes I have. When I was in Vietnam I
decided to go home with three Purple Hearts, and I did. As a
decorated Vietnam War hero I achieved that many wounds in just four
months, quite possibly a record. In Vietnam, that is, where I was
when I was injured three times. While serving my country. In
Vietnam.
MODERATOR: OK Senator, your turn to ask a question.
KERRY: Thanks, Jesse. Mr. President, why won’t you
tell the nation about your secret plan to bring back the draft?
BUSH: If Senator Kerry hadn’t missed 122 percent of the
Senate sessions during his tenure he’d know that only Congress can
institute a draft, not the president.
KERRY: If the president had the brains of a squirrel
he’d know you can’t be absent 122 percent of the time.
MODERATOR: Gentlemen …
BUSH: If I had the brains of a squirrel I’d vote for
you, Senator.
MODERATOR: Let me remind you that I still have these
folding chairs. Mr. President, it’s time for the last question.
BUSH: What the nation wants to know, Senator Kerry is
this: Is that look on your face Botox, or rigor mortis?
OK, the race might still be close. I’d bet a dollar to
a doughnut it’d be a lot more fun, though.
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