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I have
looked longingly at Australian-made slouch hats for about 10 years
without quite convincing myself to pony up the price. Came close at
last year’s state fair, walking away bareheaded after an hour’s
haggling when the style I chose was not in stock in my size. My
wife finally laid down the law at this year’s fair, staging a
sit-down strike until I put her out of a decade’s misery and bought
a darned hat. If that wasn’t enough, I couldn’t resist the sales
pitch: A kangaroo hide model like the one I fancied had been
snatched from the head of a zookeeper and eaten by an elephant, then
was cleaned up and put back in service after the beast, uh, returned
it. I couldn’t pass a deal like that, so to speak.
*****
The Washington Times reports an upscale
restaurant in Seattle called the 5 Spot requires customers to sign a
waiver excusing them from obesity suits when ordering a dessert it
dubs “The Bulge.” The Bulge is a deep-fried, sugarcoated concoction
consisting of ice cream, caramel, whipped cream, and, for some
reason, a banana. The bistro’s owner claims he is at least
half-serious, but if certain greed-head lawyers succeed in their
efforts to give McDonald’s and others the tobacco treatment, expect
to sign away your rights every time you sit down to eat anything
except a banana. You can forget that too if People for the Ethical
Treatment of Animals ever spots a fat chimp.
*****
Researchers at Brigham Young University have discovered
that your spouse can make you sick, finding that living with someone
for whom you have both positive and negative feelings can raise your
blood pressure significantly. If so, the end of my Aussie hat
search should add years to my wife’s life.
*****
My daughter
is being kept awake by what she swears are “screaming mice” tumbling
down the rainspout outside her window. Have tried to persuade her
they are just yelling “Whee!” but she doesn’t buy it, convinced the
little vermin are roaming our rain gutters and falling down the
spouts like so many trapdoors. If she’s right we may have stumbled
on to a better mousetrap, especially if our 12-year-old orange cat
catches the scent. He’s still a devoted hunter but at his age it
probably wouldn’t hurt if breakfast arrived a little dizzy.
*****
A paramedic chosen as her
area’s best three years running has filed suit against her former
employer, claiming she was fired for inviting a coworker to church.
World Net Daily reports that MedStarOne of Screven County, Georgia
has no policy against the practice, but does require grueling
24-hour shifts. Good heavens, if anyone could use a little
spiritual comfort it’s ambulance drivers. Maybe if the company’s
managers put in a few 24-hour shifts themselves they’d have less
time to worry about how employees spend the occasional free Sunday.
*****
Oh give me a
home, where the cell phone won’t roam, and the guys can say “howdy”
all day . … In more news from my daughter’s side of the house, she
has found that one end of her bed is in our cell phone service area,
but when she rolls to the other her phone switches to “roam.” This
is only one of many aggravations we endure with the cellular service
in our area, which, while out of the city, isn’t exactly the
outback. As much as I’d like to give the company a good pencil
whipping in this space, I don’t particularly want a letter from
their attorneys. Suffice it to say that no, we can’t hear them now.
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