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We have
learned the names of many of the neighborhood dogs during our
frequent walks: Opie (short for Oprah), Sam, Blue, and so on. It
occurs to me we don’t know nearly as many of their owners, but it’s
probably more useful to recognize the dogs. Have rarely been
charged by the neighbors (“Down, Mrs. Schwartz! Sit! Bad girl!”),
though their pets occasionally throw a ruckus. No help from our own
little pooch, who is more bait than protection, so it’s either carry
pepper spray or learn how to scold with authority. The latter,
fortunately, is a fringe benefit of parenthood; the kids haven’t bit
for years so the local canines should be a cinch.
*****
In another
glorious moment for American jurisprudence, the U.S. 9th
Circuit Court of Appeals has
overturned the armed robbery conviction of a man who carried a
loaded pistol during a bank stickup because he didn’t really mean to
show the weapon. Unfortunately, a snoopy bank manager saw it tucked
in the goon’s belt anyway. The case almost sound’s like an old
Steve Martin routine: “I didn’t know bank robbery was illegal.
Excuuuuse me!” Given the 9th Circuit’s history, the bank
manager is lucky they didn’t lock him up for invasion of privacy.
*****
Forcibly
retired Iraqi information minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, a.k.a.
Baghdad Bob, has
been released by American authorities after turning himself in
for questioning. Bob, the Joe Isuzu of the Saddam regime, gained an
odd sort of fame for his claims of victory even as U.S. troops were
sunning themselves around the dictator’s pool. If anyone in Iraq
has proven he doesn’t know anything it is al-Sahhaf, so I suppose
there’s no point in feeding him at taxpayer expense. Still, might
be a good idea to keep tabs on him in case there’s opening on the 9th
Circuit. They can always use talent like that.
*****
When my wife
mentioned our daughter had called from a visit with Grandma, proud
she had found a discount on tickets to a theme park if one brought a
spray can, I was intrigued. What was it, I asked, “Tagging Day?”
Or “Take a Huff in the Park Week?” Appearing confused, my spouse
continued with the story until I realized she had said “Sprite” can,
not “spray.” “This kind of thing will give the kids reason to us
put in a home some day,” she worried, “you talking weird and me
sounding lost.” Not sure how that is different from the rest of
their childhood, but I consider myself warned.
*****
Repent or be
thrown on the everlasting barbie! BBC reports an Australian
journalist named Kel Richards has published a version of the Bible
in Australian slang. The Three Wise Men have become “eggheads from
out East,” the Virgin Mary is a “pretty special Sheila,” the Good
Samaritan a “good bloke.” The book is reportedly fair dinkum (OK)
with both the Anglican Archbishop of Sydney and the deputy prime
minister of Australia, which apparently doesn’t fret church and
state issues quite like us Americans. No worries then. Whatever
gets ‘em reading the Good Book is ridgy-didge by
me, mate.
*****
I’m not sure if this crook is dumb, unlucky, or both.
After the 1992 Plymouth Sundance
he had stolen (that’s dumb) got a flat tire, an Oregon thief
discovered the car had no tire iron. Spotting what he hoped was a
good bloke, he asked a family picnicking nearby if he might borrow
one. Among the picnickers was the sister of the car’s owner (that’s
unlucky). Her husband, described only as being of “imposing size,”
persuaded the man to wait peacefully for authorities, so justice
will be done – as long as the case stays out of the 9th
Circuit Court of Appeals. |
