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One of the
many joys of not being hooked to the local water or sewer systems is
the privilege of being your own utility district. While having my
septic tank pumped recently, the fellow manning the truck asked if I
would grab his heels while he bent deep through the lid to locate a
plugged line. Talk about pressure! One false move and we’d have
both been in deep doo-doo, if only figuratively for me. It seems I
earned his trust by shaking his hand when he came to the door,
which, he swore, most customers won’t do. An occupational hazard I
guess, though no worse than dangling by your heels over all that,
uh, unpleasantness. Not sure what those guys earn, but they deserve
every cent.
*****
A horse is a
horse, of course, of course, and no one should fly with a horse, of
course … An American Airlines cleanup crew in Chicago had some
unpleasantness of its own to deal with courtesy of a
miniature horse named Cuddles. The animal, used as a seeing-eye
horse by a blind passenger from Boston, had been given a first-class
seat so was near a rest room, but apparently couldn’t wait. Or
maybe he was raised in a barn, as my mother liked to accuse. Man,
and I can’t even get past airport security with a fingernail
clipper.
*****
We have ways
of making you say your ABCs. The
British Broadcasting Company reports that US intelligence agents
in Iraq are attempting to break uncooperative prisoners by
bombarding them with songs from children’s shows like “Sesame
Street” and “Barney.” No word on how effective the tactic is, but
it has been known to make American parents snap like fresh celery.
Amnesty International claims the practice may constitute torture
under international treaties, which is all well and good, but where
was the Geneva Convention when my kids were toddlers?
*****
Part of my
inheritance from my mother is an extraordinarily pampered cat about
the size of a raccoon. She has adjusted reasonably well to life
among us peasants, but has not changed her exercise habits; a walk
down the hall frequently requires one or two rest stops. With the
warm weather she does like to venture outside, a journey that
generally consists of stepping onto the back porch, turning around
slowly, sitting, and staring back through the sliding glass door.
Not exactly a ball of fire, though by far the easiest pet to care
for we have ever owned. Kind of like a potted plant that waters
itself.
*****
Forget diets and vertical stripes, just switch
perfumes. A
study presented at a recent meeting of the Association for
Chemoreception Sciences in Florida found that floral-spice scents
makes women appear to weigh as much as 7 percent less in the eyes of
men. Cigarette smoke, grapefruit, pepperoni pizza, and other odors
tested did not have the same effect but probably raised a few
questions about hygiene. In any event, don’t be surprised to see a
line of Jenny Craig perfumes out in time for Christmas. Not sure I
have the guts to give that to that special someone.
*****
Associated Press reports a mini-trend of states
considering so-called “Tax
Me More” legislation as an alternative to mandatory tax
increases. Under these proposals, citizens who feel egregiously
under-taxed are invited to send in as much as they want
voluntarily. I don’t think United Way has anything to worry about;
a fund established by Arkansas in November 2001 has raised about
$2,000 to $3,000 so far. I think I’d rather try to sell Jenny Craig
perfume. |
