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In an odd
sort of reverse sex scandal, the
Miss America Pageant is aghast that current Miss America
Erika Harold wants to promote sexual abstinence in addition to the
youth violence “platform” imposed upon her as winner of the Miss
Illinois pageant. For an outfit that has tried to convince the
public their show is more about brains than beauty and sex appeal,
this seems a particularly boneheaded move. Maybe next year’s
platform can be “Sensible Shoes.”
*****
Did you hear the one about the guy whose mother-in-law
gave him paper dolls for his birthday? That would be me, and I will
abide no mother-in-law jokes thank you very much. The coolest gift
I have received in a long time, it is a mint condition, first
edition, 1981 Dell “First Family Paper Doll & Cut-Out Book” starring
Ronald and Nancy Reagan and featuring Patti and Ron Jr. Honest to
goodness, the illustrations are by one “Al Kilgore,” which sounds
like a paper-thin disguise itself. In any event, I owe Mom-in-law
big at Christmas. This will be tough to top.
*****
Who’s the leader of the church that’s made for you and
me? Workers restoring an Austrian church have discovered a
700-year-old fresco with a character that looks suspiciously
like Mickey Mouse. I have seen a photo and the resemblance is
uncanny, however some historians speculate it may not be a mouse at
all but a weasel. Perhaps, though that wouldn’t explain why Annette
Funicello is standing behind it.
*****
My daughter has taken a part-time job with a company
that apparently prefers its employees pierced and tattooed. I tease
that she’s the token square, but the new gig has sparked a kitchen
table debate over what one might be trying to say with green hair
and nose rings. When the conversation turned theological, I
conceded there’s no reason pierced people can’t go to heaven – when
she interjected “Unless there are metal detectors.” I suppose
that’s how you think when you grow up in present-day America but I’m
pretty sure there are no airports in heaven. If there were, it
wouldn’t be heaven.
*****
Would you like lamb chops with that sheepskin? To cope
with a depressed economy in the agricultural towns that supply many
of its students, Lindenwood University, a private liberal arts
college in St. Charles, Missouri, will now
teach for food. Students can barter livestock for tuition; one
family figures their daughter’s junior and senior years set them
back about 50 head of swine. With that kind of sacrifice I hope she
threw herself into her studies whole hog. Sorry, sorry, couldn’t
resist.
*****
And American judges think they have it tough. An
Australian court has restored most of the compensation due a woman
for her husband’s accidental death
after a lower court reduced the amount on the grounds she was
attractive enough to quickly find a new mate. Such orders are
allowed under Australian law, but the higher court apparently ruled
she wasn’t that pretty. How would you like to deliver that
verdict? “We find you homely; have some more money” seems like a
mixed victory at best.
*****
On a stretch of rural road I travel from time to time, I
have occasionally spotted what I assumed was a stray dog. The big
mutt lopes after one car then the next, happily chasing an attention
span that’s even shorter than his life expectancy. I saw him again
last week, wearing what appeared to be a man’s long-sleeved shirt,
tripping over a sleeve that dangled past his paw. I figure he must
have caught and stripped someone; an owner who’d let him play tag
with cars probably wouldn’t worry much about him catching cold. |
