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Reuters reports that a blind German psychic is making a tidy
living by interpreting the lines on people’s, uh, posteriors, in
place of the traditional palm reading scam. “The bottom is much
more intense, it has a much stronger power of expression than the
hand in my experience,” according to Ulf Buck, and besides, “it goes
on developing throughout your life.” I’ve noticed that,
regrettably. Probably just a coincidence that that part of the body
is also closer to the wallet.
*****
In related
news, a French citizen angry at having to remove his belt during
security screening at Miami International Airport was detained after
dropping his trousers to show his, uh, displeasure. (Insert
favorite moon over Miami joke here.) Even I can read that for him:
You are going away for a long, long time.
*****
It is common to wonder where one goes after death, but
the family of baseball great Ted Williams can’t seem to decide
between fire and ice, with a noisy battle over cremation and
freezing. I’m all for honoring last wishes, but the choices that
matter for Mr. Williams have been made. Let’s pray his family
shifts their energy to making their own peace.
*****
My daughter’s physical education teacher, a regular
reader of this column, has been known to post the occasional
clipping around the gym. When my photo on one piece was defaced
with a moustache, goatee, and long hair, a few probing questions
turned up the vandal: my daughter. “Dad, it was just creepy seeing
your picture in the locker room!” she explained, a point well
taken. At least she added hair, not horns.
*****
It turns out the young girl at the center of the suit
that found the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional is a
practicing Christian who does not want the pledge changed.
Pressed by reporters, her father
now admits “This is more about me than her. I’d like to keep
her out of this.” Might be a little late to start thinking about
that. And my daughter thinks I’m embarrassing.
*****
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled mastiffs
yearning to breathe free. The Los Angeles Animal Services
Commission has deemed the term “pet owner”
demeaning to animals, unanimously voting to replace it with “pet
guardian.” According to one member, the change “subtly moves the
thought process so that animals are treated as sentient beings.”
The commissioners, who in any other city might be assigned guardians
themselves, will soon decide whether to request similar action by
the city council. Maybe they will name a schnauzer or two to the
Animal Services Commission; it could use a few sentient beings.
*****
“Pet guardian” is a step up from “pet cushion,” I
guess. Liking nothing better than a stationary human on whom to
sleep, our pug’s favorite lap hunting ground is the chair in front
of our computer. She dozes through modem noise, the clack of the
keyboard, even the occasional loud threat after too many screen
freezes. The instant the Internet signs off with “Goodbye,”
however, she pops up and leaps to the floor. I guess she’s sentient
enough to know she can either jump, or thump.
*****
The World
Wildlife Fund claims humanity must
colonize two earth-like planets to survive past 2050, such is
our consumption of resources. Assuming such a feat were possible,
my guess is we’d gut this planet collecting the resources to pull it
off. Interesting to note that these are the same people who sued
the
World Wrestling Federation, forcing it to change its initials
earlier this year. I’d say the wildlife folks did the wrasslers a
favor; the confusion might have hurt their credibility.
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