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I was standing on the sidewalk outside my sister’s home, arms loaded
with a new commode for the bathroom, when we noticed a strange car in the
driveway. After my sister worried that we might have stumbled onto a break-in,
I began to wonder how I could use the heavy fixture as a weapon. Probably do
some damage if you could swing the thing, but somehow shouting “Halt! I have a
toilet and I know how to use it!” didn’t seem like much of a threat. Turned out
someone was just taking advantage of the empty parking spot. Was much relieved,
so to speak.
*****
Zondervan Publishing House plans to release a gender-neutral edition
of the Bible, starting this spring with the New Testament. Cultural
contamination is a risk with any Bible translation but we’ll have to wait to see
exactly how far afield the neutered “Today’s
New International Version” goes. I suppose this sanitized adaptation will
find a market, but if it turns the virgin birth into “Jesus Has Two Mommies” I’m
switching to King James.
*****
Nothing moves at our house until the first coffee is poured, so the
discovery that we were out of filters was no small crisis. I assured my wife
I’d rig something; she didn’t bother to ask what until after the first sip. “An
old sock,” I deadpanned, which brought a shrug and a resigned “OK.” I actually
used a paper towel, but I could have strained the stuff through the cat and she
wouldn’t have cared until after the second cup. It’s hardly even worth the
effort to tease her until the third.
*****
In a victory for common sense, a
federal judge has ordered an upstate New York school to allow a 5-year-old
kindergarten student to say grace aloud before lunch. The school, believing it
had struck a blow for separation of church and state, issued a statement saying
the Constitution “sometimes puts a school in a difficult position.” Maybe,
though by my observation it is reflexive ideologues who find themselves
confused. The document itself is beautiful in its simplicity; it’s the 200
years of tinkering that tends to muck things up.
*****
For the record, I know many decent, reasonable human beings who
happen to be lawyers. That subspecies rarely makes the news, however. Case in
point: After bail was denied to accused American Taliban fighter John Walker,
his attorney snarled that the government has “brought
out the cannons to shoot the mouse.” He might give some thought to what
he’s suggesting before someone gets too fond of the idea.
*****
My nephew, a high school senior, recently came home with a scarf
knitted for him by the school’s vice principal. I suspect the veep of my high
school would have liked to wrap something around my neck too, though it likely
had little to do with warding off the chill. The boy either inherited his charm
from his father’s side or the schools have stopped recruiting ex-Marines. I
doubt many of them knit anyway.
*****
My experience with ice skating is pretty much limited to having seen
“Sesame Street on Ice” with the kids, but after the admission that an Olympic
judge was “manipulated”
into favoring the Russian pairs skating duo over a purportedly superior
performance by the Canadians, I am puzzled that the question of how to respond
seems to be such a dilemma. Would Olympic officials be this baffled if the
skaters themselves had cheated? Why give the judges a pass? If Olympic ideals
are for athletes only let’s spare the time and expense of competition, let the
judges play “Let’s Make A Deal” for a few days, hold a press conference, and be
done with it. This is a decision that should have taken about a nanosecond.
© 1997 – 2002 Brent Morrison
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