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Last January I offered my fourth
annual predictions column. Unlike those phonies in the tabloids, this phony is
not afraid to recap his results and offers no excuses.
Well, maybe one excuse. WHO IN
THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD HAVE PREDICTED THIS YEAR? Here’s how I did:
NO CIGAR
Walt Disney World did not debut
“The Dangling Chad,” a roller coaster that would have punched riders down a
track then kept them hanging while the Seven Dwarfs decided whether to let them
down or leave them up in the air. Former attorney general Janet Reno and
elections commissioner Katherine Harris did declare themselves candidates for
office in Florida, which should be roller coaster enough.
President Bush largely controlled
his verbal gaffes and did not claim to have “no oxen to grind with anyone.” He
seems to have settled for grinding camels.
The Russian space station Mir
neither smacked Alabama nor left an Elvis-shaped crater. Ironically, its
controlled destruction in the ocean was one of the few flawless maneuvers it
pulled off.
The Chicago Bulls did not offer
Michael Jordan “$1 billion, a gold plated Cadillac, head-to-toe tattoos, and the
nation of Peru” to rejoin the team, but they should have. Mike instead joined
the wretched Washington Wizards and is donating his salary to worthy causes –
which makes two charity moves in one.
Famed redwood-sitter Julia
Butterfly Hill did not marry Big Foot but is still out of her tree. So to
speak.
No reality show for Alan
Greenspan, who played second fiddle to terrorism as an economic force. Don’t
expect him to take it lying down; if bin Laden comes down with anthrax, Al’s the
prime suspect.
CLOSE (Horseshoes and hand grenades)
There was no craze for Clinton
impeachment memorabilia, though 90’s nostalgia did arrive in the form of longing
for pre-anthrax, terror-free times. Something to tell your grandchildren about.
The nation’s largest airline did
not change its name to “Suck Air,” but did just that financially after September
11. And, as guessed, service has actually declined. Like I said, who in their
right mind could have seen that?
The Sacramento Kings advanced
further in the NBA playoffs than ever, but no title. My mistake. I meant 2002.
Saddam Hussein did not disappear,
nor were there false sightings, rumors of his death, or widely played Saddam
recordings. Right idea, wrong madman.
There were no “U.S. - Canadian
border wars,” only verbal shots over loose border enforcement and releases of
terror suspects. I doubt it will come to arms, but maybe we’ll just have to
boycott all that vital whatever-it-is we import from up north.
Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura
advanced the cause of public buffoonery as an announcer for the short-lived XFL
football league rather than joining the rap music industry as predicted. I
guess they have their standards.
BULL’S EYE (More or less)
Gov. Davis did not dub his energy
policy the “Better To Light A Candle Than To Curse The Darkness” program, but
there was less cursing of the dark. As foreseen, most of the cursing has been
of Gov. Davis.
He didn’t recant past whoppers,
though Al Gore did generally remain in the real world. I also predicted a
serious case of election denial; the beard, weight, and mopey demeanor look more
like depression. Begins with “D,” so close enough.
“Goofy new laws in Berkeley?”
Sorry, I needed a cheap win. Their resolution condemning U.S. action in
Afghanistan brought boycott threats and ranks with the nuclear free zone and
1999 anti-diaper ordinance.
Sen. Hillary Clinton is working
harder at not running for president than anyone in memory. And the best part
is, with her job in Washington she still doesn’t have to live in New York state.
*****
My original forecast is shamelessly posted at
Brentmorrison.com. I can take the embarrassment, but let’s all hope for a more
predictable 2002.
© 1997- 2002 Brent Morrison
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