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Bring
me the head of Big Mouth Billy Bass! Has anyone made more money off a dumb idea
than the peddlers of this mounted, mechanical singing fish? OK, Dennis Miller
on Monday Night Football, but who else? Not sure what demographic the gadget is
aimed at, but it apparently includes my brother-in-law. Unfortunately he
doesn’t buy Billies for personal use; to him they are the perfect gift item, as
I found on my birthday. As he lives out of the area I don’t mind telling you he
has saved me the trouble of shopping for his Christmas gift. Will probably roll
it in newspapers, the traditional wrap for old fish.
*****
Was driving south of Durham one recent night when out of the dark
jumped … something. Kept my head, but our hearts were pounding pretty good by
the time I wrestled our van into control. “I think I hit a coyote,” I said to
the utter disbelief of everyone. Had to go back and examine the body before
anyone would believe me. We are OK, but I’ll be happier when the family stops
sneaking up on me to shout “Beep! Beep!”
*****
Unfinished business: In October I vowed to buy a doughnut for
everyone saving a copy of that column if funding against the school voucher
initiative didn’t come mainly from unions. Made the pledge due to my annoyance
at claims that opposition had nothing to do with maintaining union power.
Well. The proposition did get stomped, but according to the Secretary of
State’s office darn near every cent of opposition money came from unions, about
85 percent of that from the California Teachers Association. So sorry, no
doughnuts. Glad I didn’t bet on the presidential race. Or the Chico city
council.
*****
My wife has been urging me to get more exercise, eat better, etc., to which I
generally respond by quoting my life insurance policies. Finally she conceded:
“You’re right. I’m OK if you live, OK if you die, and I’ll take you to the
cleaners if we divorce.” So I won, I think.
*****
Are you
as caught up in the hoopla over the coming of the new millennium as I? As a few
retentive types are wont to point out, the REAL deal starts January 1, 2001, Y2K
uproar aside. They are right of course, but I wonder if these people are
sticklers for accuracy or just killjoys. Like the tightly-wound types who call
talk shows to explain that the United States is a republic, not a democracy. In
the most literal sense these folks have a life, so the obvious suggestion would
likely be a waste of time.
*****
It has been
widely reported that there is now a president-elect of the United States. I’ll
believe it no sooner than inauguration day, probably not till later. The
problem isn’t political partisanship, which is the simple act of believing in
something and acting accordingly. And while “Florida” may have become the
national punch line, it isn’t their fault either. The fix isn’t consensus and
bipartisanship, but plain old-fashion civility and candor. A good kindergarten
teacher could straighten out the whole mess in a week.
*****
Before
letting my daughter have a puppy, had her do a little research to determine the
best fit. She wanted a pug, which we eventually got, but knew nothing more than
that they were “cute.” Found a web site discussing the special aptitudes of
various breeds, such as “hunting dog,” watchdog,” “herd dog,” etc. The main
talent of pugs: “Pet.” A friend says that’s a polite word for worthless, but
it sounds like good work if you can get it.
*****
Am
saddened to note the passing of Dr. Robert Poole, retired principal of Chico
Christian School, of an accident in his Concow home. “Dr. Bob” baptized my
children and nephew, and was a great contributor to the entire community. A
benevolent fund has been established for his family at Neighborhood Church, 2801
Notre Dame Blvd., Chico, CA 95928. Thanks, Dr. Bob, for everything.
© 1997- 2002 Brent Morrison
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