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The Ballad of Survivor’s Island
(To the tune of
Gilligan’s Isle)
Just sit right back and
you'll hear the tale,
A tale of how they
ripped,
“Who Wants to Be A
Millionaire.”
To make a ratings blip.
Sixteen average
citizens,
To an island they did
lure,
With promises of wealth
and fame,
For the geek show du
jour.
The geek show du jour.
If imitation is
truly the sincerest form of flattery, Regis Philbin must be in danger of
blushing to death. While “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” still strikes me as a
pretty weak concept, its enormous success has spawned more knockoffs than the
Rolex watch. Each, it seems, more extreme than the last.
As this is
being written CBS is taping “Survivor,” which pits 16 presumably ordinary folks
against each other for a grand prize of one million dollars, the standard game
show ante these days. Using a sort of “Lord Of The Flies” format, contestants
will spend 39 days on a remote spit of dirt somewhere off the coast of Borneo
participating in various competitions. Each three-day cycle will be distilled
down to a one-hour broadcast, to air over 13 weeks beginning in June.
One so-called
“Survivor” will be eliminated by a vote of the others every third day, then
immediately plucked from the island. The competitions don’t determine who goes
home but are instead to earn an “immunity reward” or “luxury reward.” Immunity
rewards protect the winner from being voted out for one cycle while luxury
rewards consist of such perks as hot showers, a phone call home, pillows, cold
beer, or clean clothing.
You will note
that the list of rewards does not include the viewing of broadcast television.
They probably don’t want to risk any Darva Conger interviews.
If these were
real castaways I’d bet on the senior competitor, a 72-year-old retired Navy
SEAL. But according to CBS, “The show is much more about social politics than
about athletics, and everyone will have something to contribute, whether through
physical strength, strategic abilities, knowledge, morale, or friendship.”
You don’t have
to be a student of popular culture to figure out that “social politics” has to
be a euphemism for something. Even a clone show needs a hook and I’ll guarantee
you that waiting for some sweaty greed-head to earn a beer once a week isn’t
it. No, the answer can be found with a simple click of the FAQ (frequently
asked questions) icon at the “Survivors” web site.
Question number one: “Will the Survivors be allowed to pair off or get involved
in physical relationships?” Imagine my surprise.
“Absolutely. What takes place on the island is real life. The castaways
reflect a rich and diverse group of people, of different ages and backgrounds.
It is conceivable that some will find others attractive. If romance blooms or
there is an attraction between two people who want to act on it, it is entirely
up to them to pursue it or not.”
The 16
contestants aren’t nearly as “rich and diverse” as the passenger list of the
Minnow. Twelve of the Survivors are single, 13 are in their 20s or 30s. Five,
or nearly a third, are twenty-something single females. Five others are single
men between 23 and 30. As near as one can tell from photos on the web, all are
reasonably attractive specimens.
Call it “Who
Wants to Be A Baywatch Millionaire?” Or maybe “Live With Regis & Pamela Lee.”
I suppose it had to happen.
Americans are masters at combining related or unrelated ideas to create
something new, sort of. This is creativity’s stepchild at best, with mixed
results. For instance, cookie dough ice cream: good. That heavily advertised
vacuum cleaner with the radio in the handle: bad. Pre-mixed peanut butter and
jelly in the jar: really bad.
Greed and random sex: inevitable.
Oh well, it could be worse. At least no one’s tried to blend “The Dating Game”
and “Jerry Springer.”
© 1997 – 2002 Brent Morrison
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