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We have anticipated it all year;
now the day of reckoning has arrived. Not Y2K, but my last column of the year,
when I drag out the predictions I made at the beginning and face the music.
Either my crystal ball isn’t Y2K
compliant or my 1998 guesses were so close that I got a little cocky. For good
or ill, here’s how 1999 turned out:
NO CIGAR
This was supposed to be a sure
thing: “163 politicians you never heard of declared for president.” Instead,
everyone you ever heard of wants the job. Donald Trump, Warren Beatty, Oprah
Winfrey, Cybill Shepherd, even a few politicians. The frontrunner would
probably be a Pokemon character if they weren’t all Constitutionally ineligible
foreign nationals.
Jack Kevorkian did not get a
talk show (“Dr. Death Live!”), nor was he chosen to replace Ann Landers, so he
was not able to dispense such advice as “Shoot yourself and call me in the
morning.” It turned out that the state of Michigan finally tired of him driving
around the state snuffing people in the back of his van, and jailed him. No
excuses, but after all these years who could have foreseen something as weird as
that?
The Empire State
Building was not evacuated due to terrorist claims to have planted Clinton DNA.
In fact the news was fairly quiet on the Clinton DNA front, at least regarding
new incidents. I’m glad I biffed that one inasmuch as I’m about as grossed out
as I care to be for one presidency.
There has been no reported
finding that “that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory mice is exposure to
mice.” Everything else seems to so I haven’t entirely given up on this one.
CLOSE (Horseshoes and hand grenades)
Democrats did in
fact suggest alternatives to convicting the president on impeachment charges,
though no one proposed having him write “Doing the people’s business does not
require me to remove my pants” 10,000 times. Nor was he compelled to admit to
having once had “a really bad hair day.” Still, he was acquitted, so I’ll take
partial credit.
The euro, Europe’s new common
currency, did fall precipitously, but not due to confusion with the Yugo. Half
points for me.
Universal Pictures announced
production of a new live-action “Flintstones” movie, though it will not be
produced by Hustler magazine’s Larry Flynt and will not be titled “The
Flyntstones.” After finishing his stint as a Clinton apologist, the gross-out
king seems to have slithered back under his rock.
Bill Gates is said
to be close to settling his long-running antitrust troubles with the Justice
Department, but didn’t actually buy it. The renaming to “Justisoft” is thus on
hold.
Saddam Hussein
continued his defiance of the United Nations’ no-fly zone, however did not claim
to shoot down a Klingon Warbird. With our little adventure in Kosovo, Saddam
could hardly buy a headline this year. Lucky for him election years need
bogeymen; watch for a comeback.
BULL’S EYE (More or less)
Fulfilling my most
accurate prediction for 1999, Minnesota governor Jesse “The Booby” Ventura did
return to the ring (as a referee) nearly on the date I said he would. He did
not resign his position so there was no need for the constitutionally required
death-cage grudge match to select a successor.
I placed a couple
of safe bets, predicting that ex-con/boxer/sociopath Mike Tyson would have
trouble with the law and that the stock market would go “up and down.” Tyson
was jailed after assaulting two motorists following a traffic accident, then
spent 20 days in isolation for throwing a television in the jail’s recreation
room. The stock market went more up than down, but I still can’t retire so who
cares.
The Y2K bug was
indeed found to be a side effect of El Nino.
*****
OK, it was an off year. I would
retire from prognosticating in disgrace except 2000 brings a national election,
when everyone thinks they know everything anyway. Sounds right up my alley.
© 1997 – 2002 Brent Morrison
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