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I haven’t been mistaken for Mother Teresa lately, but I do like to
think of myself as a reasonably charitable guy. Now, however, I face a
challenge to up the ante. I have been asked to donate my dignity.
Slim pickings there, but one does what one can. Though the
disease isn’t in our immediate family, the American Diabetes Association is a
favorite cause of the Morrison clan, especially my wife. Not content to fight
the illness professionally, she organized and chaired Chico’s first
“Walktoberfest” fundraising walk for ADA in 1996. She has done so ever since
and now sits on the local ADA board of directors. I’ve always been happy to
lend a hand as she wishes.
Of course she’s never asked me to kiss a pig before. The
Butte-Glenn-Tehama ADA is gearing up for their second annual Kiss-A-Pig
fundraiser, with local celebrities raising funds to vie for the honor at an
upcoming Chico Heat game. I’m not sure my bride believes I’ve gained name
recognition from these ramblings so much as she figures that since she’s endured
kissing me all these years, bussing an oinker would only serve me right.
Why a pig? Insulin was first manufactured from swine, and while
not a cure, remains an important treatment. The smooch is supposed to show
appreciation, though personally I’d rather send flowers.
Actually I’m happy to help, as are the other contestants. It’s
only fair to mention their names, and since it seems that no contest is complete
without a little trash talk these days, please forgive a few gratuitously snide
remarks. Just trying to be hep:
First there is last year’s winner, Chico mayor Steve “Kiss of
Death” Bertagna. You animal lovers should note that while Hizzoner won, the pig
died shortly after of “natural causes.” Vote for me, save the bacon.
Also returning is Scott Michaels of KALF radio. Anyone who bills
himself as part of the “Moo Crew” probably has a leg up with livestock anyway,
so I need all the help I can get.
I would think that as Public Information Officer for the Chico
Fire Department, Marie Fickert would be more comfortable with Dalmatian dogs
than hogs. Just can’t see a faithful pig loping after a fire truck.
I’ll be darned if I’m going to make pig jokes about Chico Police
captain Mike Maloney. I may not live in town, but I have to drive through once
in a while.
Apparently unable to function alone, the coaches of the fine
Chico AquaJets swim club have entered as a team. I admire that, but I’ll stand
aside and watch them win when pigs swim.
Bryce Gibbs is a partner in Matson & Isom, the Chico-based
accounting and consulting firm rightly known for its community involvement. A
CPA myself, I might ordinarily vote for Bryce just to help a fellow numbers geek
get a date. Not this time, tax boy.
Teasing aside, we are grateful for every dollar
for every candidate. But I’m in to win and not above a little bribery. For
contributions in my name given to me directly or mailed to the address below, I
will publicly thank donors of $25 or more in a future column. Donate $50 and I
will give you a genuine, suitable-for-framing, Kiss-A-Pig T-shirt, while they
last. For $75 I will see that you get a limited edition ADA beanbag pig; I only
have six. Contributors of $100 or more would get to vote on which end of the
pig I kiss.
For $1,000, I will kiss Steve Bertagna.
Each dollar counts for one vote; ballot stuffing is encouraged.
Make checks to ADA and mail to: ADA, Collier’s Hardware, 105 Broadway, Chico, CA
95928. Note “KAP” and the person you are voting for in the memo portion of the
check; ballots will also be available at many downtown Chico merchants. You can
meet me and the other candidates Thursday evening, April 22, at the Chico
Downtown Farmer’s Market; free blood sugar screening will be available.
Diabetes affects over 12,000 in people in Butte County, most
likely including someone you know. Please, vote early and vote often.
© 1997 – 2002 Brent Morrison
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