|
I
am starting to hear of a mini-craze of couples (or perhaps it is many crazed
couples) hoping to have the first child of the millenium. This being America,
there is at least one radio station in this great land offering a prize for the
first Y2K baby in its area, going so far as to throw in hotel accommodations at
the contest’s conception, uh, kick-off, this April 9. Myself, I’m thinking of
offering a prize to anyone who can come up with a stupider reason to have a
baby. Having a tough time thinking of any myself.
*****
If your eyes are sharper than mine you may have noticed that my February 25
column ran under the byline “Thomas Thomas.” Lest one think I’ve entered the
witness protection program, the culprit was a simple oversight in formatting the
page. Not that I haven’t written things a wiser soul would print under an
alias, but that was a fairly harmless piece on my family. Come to think of it,
maybe they’re the ones who put my editor up to the change. Would explain the
Groucho glasses.
*****
Convicted
Unabomer Ted Kaczynski, flogging his new book from prison, has offered to
forgive his brother David for turning him in to the FBI. There’s a catch: he
wants David to first leave his wife, sign on with a radical environmental group,
and strike out into the wilderness to live like a hermit. Sound familiar? The
prospective “Clonabomer” has reportedly agreed on the condition that Ted shave
his beard, join the Kiwanis, and wear a “Ditto Head” T-shirt. OK I made that
part up, but I can dream, can’t I?
*****
Personal note – I began a recent column on the passing of my father-in-law with
this quote from my daughter: “Oh Daddy, when will it stop hurting?” It hasn’t,
but a kindhearted reader special-ordered her a book and sent it to me through
the newspaper. Titled “Margie Asks Why,” it is a wonderful volume explaining to
kids why bad things happen to good people; unfortunately, our benefactor left no
return address for a proper thank-you. As is often the case with the truly
generous I assume she wants no thanks, but Ione from Durham, please accept our
deepest gratitude for your thoughtful gesture. It came at a good time.
*****
Linda Tripp has returned to work at the Pentagon but not to the position she
held before she and her tapes of Monica Lewinsky crashed onto the public scene.
Honest to goodness, her new title is “Public Affairs Specialist.” Must be some
sort of twisted revenge by that vast left-wing conspiracy we hear so little
about. Maybe, maybe not, but funny anyway.
*****
I have found
that there are worse things than a root canal – such as half a root canal. Our
family dentist, who has shown no previous symptoms of sadism, got midway through
the procedure before discovering that I have a “bayonet root.” I think the term
refers to the size of needle required to dim the pain. Anyway, he spackled it
shut and referred me to a specialist for the rest of the bayoneting. That’s
fine, I guess, but if it bothers him so much to see a grown man cry he’s
probably in the wrong business.
*****
Good grief! I think if I see that Bob Dole Viagra commercial one more time I’m
going to need the stuff myself. Dignity, Bob, dignity.
*****
In a move that shocked everyone, the White House has reversed it’s long-standing
support of the independent counsel law, telling Congress the statute is
fundamentally flawed and should be allowed to expire. Who’d of thunk?
Actually, the Administration was instrumental in saving the special prosecutor’s
office five years ago when Republican’s were trying to torpedo it. More than a
little ironic, though I suppose that if this president had learned to be careful
about what he asked for we’d have all been spared about a year’s worth of
misery.
© 1997 – 2002 Brent Morrison
|
