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It happened
again. About this time last year I picked up my morning newspaper to find that
it was the December 31, 1998 year-end edition. Well, I’ll be darned if my paper
today wasn’t dated December 31, 1999.
If you thought
last year was wild, wait till you see this one. But if you’re the type who just
can’t wait, here are a few tidbits from “1999: The Year in Review.”
January 21
– President Clinton’s impeachment trial in the Senate bogged down in debate over
whether he should be tried as an adult. Democrats propose that as an
alternative to removal from office, the president be forced to write the
sentence “Doing the people’s business does not require me to remove my pants”
10,000 times.
February 2 – Following
his acquittal on impeachment charges, Democrats offer a censure resolution
compelling the president to admit to having once had “a really bad hair day.”
After his attorneys reject the measure as too harsh, a GOP-backed alternative
passed on a straight party-line vote. It was later overturned when the Supreme
Court ruled that you can tar, you can feather, but you can’t tar AND feather.
March 11 – Economic chaos
results when the “euro,” the new hobbled-together European currency, is confused
with the “Yugo,” the old hobbled-together European car, causing the exchange
rate to fall to six for a dollar.
April 8
– Continuing his defiance of the United Nations’ no-fly zone, Saddam Hussein
boasted “the second cousin of all victories,” claiming that Iraqi air defenses
had downed two U.S. jets, six Canada geese, the Goodyear Blimp, and a Klingon
Warbird. In a strongly worded statement, Secretary of Defense William Cohen
flatly denied any alliance with the Klingons.
May 12
– In science news, the Y2K computer bug was discovered to be a previously
unknown effect of El Nino.
June 22 – Encouraged by
the ratings boost from “60 Minutes” airing of a suicide supervised by Jack
Kevorkian, CBS launched the primetime talk show “Dr. Death Live!” The program
was eventually cancelled due to a lack of repeat guests.
July 15
– The Empire State Building had to be evacuated when terrorists claimed to have
left a package containing Clinton DNA. The alert was called off when the parcel
was found to contain only weapons-grade plutonium. “That was a close one,” said
a relieved FBI spokesperson. “We thought we were going to have to boil the
whole blasted building and everyone in it.”
August 26
– Former wrestler Jesse “The Body” Ventura stunned the people of Minnesota
today, resigning as governor to return to the ring. Said the erstwhile
politician, “I like wrasslin’. The pay’s better, you get to wear nicer clothes,
and it’s a lot more dignified.” In accordance with the state’s constitution, a
death-cage grudge match was scheduled to select a successor.
September 13
– After losing his TV show, Jack Kevorkian was chosen to replace the retiring
Ann Landers. The column is dropped when the doctor answers every question
“Shoot yourself and call me in the morning.”
October 26
– Leveraging off its newfound respectability, “Hustler” magazine branched out
into mainstream entertainment with a full-length animated feature, “The
Flyntstones.”
November 11 – Researchers
at Harvard University Medical School announced a breakthrough discovery today,
reporting that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory mice is exposure to
mice. “It’s really kind of embarrassing,” said the study’s director. “When I
think of all the Egg McMuffins and Diet Coke we stuffed down those little guys,
well, I just feel terrible.” In a related story, the first Orkin-Terminix
Cancer Center was opened in a Brooklyn area Dunkin’ Donuts.
December 17
– Bill Gates settled his long-running antitrust dispute with the Justice
Department by buying it. Renamed “Justisoft,” the agency shifted its focus to
prosecuting unlicensed and incompetent barbers.
There’s more, of course: Mike
Tyson had trouble with the law, the stock market went up and down, and 163
politicians you never heard of declared for president. It’s enough to make you
miss 1998.
Well, almost.
© 1997 – 2002 Brent Morrison
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