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Just pulled the same crown out
of my mouth for the third time in less than a year. First it was yanked out by
a gumdrop, then plucked by a chocolate cherry, now the victim of a handful of
jelly beans ... you can see the pattern here. Anyway, when I pried the thing
loose from the gumdrop I didn’t immediately realize it was mine; was mightily
irked at the gumdrop company until I discovered the gap. After I bit into the
cherry I thought the wayward molar was a pit. Figured it out right away this
time but now my dentist tells me I’m in for a root canal, a procedure known to
be about as much fun as a Chico City Council meeting. On the bright side, you
at least get painkillers before a root canal.
*****
Recently heard it
observed that people tend to be more loudly opposed to fur than leather because
it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. May be other reasons,
but it’s hard to argue with that one.
*****
Lips that touch swine will never
touch mine – I have been asked to be a celebrity pig-kisser for the American
Diabetes Association’s “Kiss A Pig” fundraiser, which will kick off in March.
Not sure who the other contestants will be but 1998’s champion, Chico Mayor
Steve “Kiss of Death” Bertagna, has to be the frontrunner. Regular readers will
recall that my biggest scoop last year was the tidbit that the pig Hizzoner
smooched went hooves-up shortly after. Maybe the hog could opt for a root canal
instead; as noted above, you get painkillers first.
*****
Let me see if I’ve
got this straight: “The Artist,” formerly known as “The Artist Formerly Known as
Prince,” formerly known as Prince, is divorcing his wife because they are too
much in love to stay married. They will re-join in a ceremony that is not a
wedding but is similar to their previous relationship, formerly known as
marriage. That would make her the quasi-ex- wife previously married to The
Artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, who once went by
“Prince.” There has to be a punch-line there somewhere (or a tax dodge), but it
would probably be redundant. Besides, my head hurts.
*****
Now comes a report
from Harvard University that men who eat moderate amounts of chocolate live
longer than those who don’t. The only surprise there is that they define
“moderate” as 3 candy bars a month. By that standard I figure I’m pretty much
immortal, but better safe than sorry.
*****
Animal control
officers in Sacramento County recently seized 55 pit bulls that had been trained
for dogfighting by their owners. To make room, the shelter is stepping up their
animal adoption efforts! Now there’s the perfect gift for that special someone
... you think Trent Lott’s birthday is on the calendar? On second look, they’re
trying to place the other animals to make room. Well, it’s the thought that
counts.
*****
Recently spent a long weekend
with my wife in the Sierras, which was great despite a brief panic triggered by
bad weather and a few flurries of snow. Second generation California boy that I
am, the first flakes had visions of the Donner Party dancing in my head – had to
keep the wife fed! Was relieved to find that the cabinets of the house we were
borrowing at least held raspberry jam, capers, and taco sauce, until I realized
that they are all basically condiments. Fortunately the snow melted off by noon
the next day, so lived to write the story.
*****
Was fascinated to
see Sen. Strom Thurmond of South Carolina at the gavel when the impeachment
trial of President Clinton was called to order. It makes sense: history records
that Sen. Thurmond opened the proceedings for Andrew Johnson’s impeachment
trial. Actually, if he lives out this term, Thurmond will become the first
senator in the nation’s history over 100 years of age. If he doesn’t, I suspect
the good people of South Carolina will express their deep displeasure by only
giving him two more terms.
© 1997 – 2002 Brent Morrison
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