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Pay no attention to that woman behind the curtain … The
mainstream media’s handling of the Terri Schiavo case is making the
press look like the Wizard of Oz, frantically pulling levers and
screaming into microphones in a panicked attempt to convince us to
not believe our own eyes. Videos showing Schiavo sitting, smiling,
attempting to talk, emoting and reacting to her family are explained
away using what psychiatrists might call magical thinking – or would
if half the nations’ shrinks weren’t busy trying to keep the other
half from removing Schiavo’s feeding tube. This is a deeply
personal dilemma for the families involved but I am curious why the
media and certain politicians are so predictably on the side of
death whenever they sniff a gray area. That’s evidence of a pretty
sad existence itself.
*****
My wife wouldn’t buy my claim that our 1960s era kitchen
is an architectural classic if it were on the National Register of
Historic Places, so it looks like there’s a remodeling project in
our future. We have already visited a few kitchens renovated by the
contractor we selected; two of the owners recognized me as the
writer of this column but let us in anyway. That was very kind, and
I hope none will mind if we helped ourselves to a few ideas. All
silverware, however, was left untouched.
*****
Researchers at Canada’s University of Alberta claim that
kids who are, uh, let’s say less than handsome, are more likely to
be neglected by their parents than more adorable children. What
began as a study to improve safety in grocery stores took an ugly
turn when observers noticed parents were less likely to buckle
unattractive children into shopping cart seats, notice when they
wandered off, and so on. They blame evolution, though I don’t
remember Darwin saying anything about survival of the cutest. It’s
an interesting theory but I have observed no shortage of homely
adults, the logical outcome of neglectful parenting of the
unsightly. Besides, if I can make it to adulthood, anyone can.
*****
A friend of mine recently told me her puppy is so
lovable and well-behaved it is “like an angel, with a fur coat.”
“Wow,” I replied. “My dog is more like a Sasquatch, with a bad
odor.” Our cocker spaniel-ish pooch is actually a sweet natured
beast, but with Big Foot’s shoe size and aroma, he falls short of
angelic. I don’t know if the University of Alberta looked into
homely dogs but I would be happy to loan him out, at least long
enough for a haircut and a bath. Anything for science, that’s me.
*****
Here’s a story with something for almost everyone:
Brian Duprey, a Maine state legislator, has introduced a bill that
would ban abortions in the event the elusive “gay gene” is
discovered and a fetus is found to carry it. It’s actually a clever
– though currently meaningless – piece of legislation, forcing two
generally like-minded activist groups to stare each other in the eye
to see who blinks. Still I can’t help wishing he’d found a way to
tie in global warming, Wal-Mart, and the war in Iraq.
*****
The right to name a newly discovered species of monkey
sold at auction for $650,000 this month, with the proceeds going to
help protect the national park in Bolivia where it was discovered.
The buyer’s name was not announced, but I suspect there are more
than a few people out there who might want to name a monkey after
someone. I’m just glad the auction came after the U.S. presidential
election; we went through enough name calling without making it
official.
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