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“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s
eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” –
Official motto of the Illinois House of
Representatives
OK, it’s really Luke 6:41, but the honorable legislators
of the land of Lincoln – who was no stranger to logs – might want to
consider it.
In the meantime the Illinois House will consider a bill
to outlaw implanting jewelry in a person’s eyeball. If passed,
installing eyeball jewelry would become a “class four felony,”
entitling one to an all-expense paid vacation at one of the state’s
finest penal institutions.
The trinkets, called “JewelEye,” were fist implanted in
2004 by a Dutch clinic called the Netherlands Institute for
Innovative Ocular Surgery. A slit is cut in the membrane that
covers the eye to make room for metal slivers shaped like half moons
or hearts, though other shapes can’t be far behind.
Oddly, the procedure isn’t done in Illinois and never
has been. An Associated Press reporter turned up only one American
doctor offering the eye shrapnel, and that in California. The
legislature there would be more likely to make the procedure
mandatory than to ban it, but they’ve been pretty busy trying to
give the vote to 14-year-olds and drivers licenses to illegal
aliens.
Why, then, is this an issue in Illinois? As near as I
can tell the sponsors are mainly motivated by the willies factor.
It is pretty creepy, but the legislature might also be riding the
success of a 2003 law that for all practical purposes banned tongue
splitting.
Tongue splitting is the practice of having one’s tongue
surgically forked for the purpose of looking like a lizard. The
anti lizard-man law requires tongue splitting to be performed by
licensed medical professionals, and then only for “sound medical
reasons,” whatever those might be. The proposed
speck-in-your-brother’s-eye law leaves no such loopholes.
In awkward English that
is still better than my Dutch, the Institute’s website claims “It
is of all times for people to wear jewelry. Earrings, make-up and
more recently tattoos and piercings are accepted forms of body
cosmetics. Surprisingly, no jewelry is available for the organ that
is most important in social interactions, the eye.”
It is a bit of a surprise given that fans of the forms
of self-mutilation politely called “body modification” are always
looking for the next gross-out. Now that the gag reflexes of Joe
and Jane Average are barely tickled by piercings, brands, and split
tongues, the not-so-average can either get a life or ramp up for the
next geek show.
“Bod mod” fans I’ve heard from insist they do it for
self-expression, art, or any reason other than shock effect, though
Associated Press turned up a tattoo parlor owner who was more
candid. “It’s like you’re not a freak anymore if you have a
tattoo,” said Kevin Veara of Black Moon Tattoos. “To be a freak
you’ve got to step up a little bit.”
So it seems. In a 1999 column on branding, I predicted
the bod mod crowd would turn to amputation once the shock value wore
off. I got a lot of scoffing emails, but cosmetic amputation has
indeed taken hold on the fringes of the movement.
I’ll take it a step further now: When eye jewelry
becomes passé, I predict the loony element will turn to eye
replacement. I can see it now (so to speak): heavily pierced,
lizard-tongued people lining up to have an eye replaced with a ball
bearing, Magic 8 Ball, miniature fish bowl, battery-powered strobe
light or heaven knows what.
I’d buy a ticket to watch the Illinois state legislature
that day, but I wouldn’t encourage a ban. If they feel they
absolutely must do something, how about a 12-step program for shock
addicts?
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