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Note: This combines two version of this column, one that
printed in some papers the first week of January and one that
printed in other papers the first week of February.
If there is a silver lining to the tragedy that struck
south Asia last month, it is the unspoken reminder that most of
life’s troubles are little more than annoyances. I have heard that
while the US foreign aid budget is the largest in the world, the
American public privately donates nearly three and a half times as
much to aid projects. The United States is its people and not its
government, a decidedly non-European view that likely explains much
of the carping about our “stinginess.” Watch and learn, watch and
learn.
*****
I have long balked at using a gift certificate for a
photo shoot at a studio that specializes in “old time” pictures,
where one is expected to dress like a cowboy, claim jumper,
schoolmarm, or some such thing. We got the certificate for
Christmas … of 2002. I finally relented, only to have my wife veto
my costume choices. First she nixed the schoolmarm outfit, then a
getup that was supposed to make one look like Pancho Villa but
reminded me more of the Frito Bandito. When I finally agreed to
something more to her liking she refused to hold the prop gun to my
head, which would have at least fit my attitude about the whole
thing. Ah, the things I do for love.
*****
I made a vow after starting this column in 1997 to never
read columnist Dave Barry. This was an act of profound respect; his
influence started creeping into my humor pieces and I did not want
to dishonor him or my readers by becoming a poor imitation.
Millions join me in a Barry-less world now that he has retired,
though he promises to return if “something really important happens,
such as a cow exploding in a boat toilet.” That’s not the sort of
thing I ordinarily hope for, but I think I’ll make an exception.
*****
A random moment in the Morrison household: “Say,” I
asked my daughter, “Did you know that if you scratch your cat
two-thirds the way down her back she sticks her tongue in and out?”
“You have too much time on your hands, Dad,” she scolded as I
demonstrated. This little stunt is probably not enough to get us
flown out for David Letterman’s “Stupid Pet Tricks,” so not of much
real value. Now if I could just get her to catch a mouse …
*****
A stretch of road in Marion County, Oregon, has been
robbed of its adopt-a-highway signs; it seems the locals don’t
consider the American Nazi Party good neighbors now matter how clean
they keep the road. The Nazi’s signs had sparked a free speech
debate, and officials really had no choice but to permit the
sponsorship. Still, I hope the sheriff’s department puts the theft
a notch below finding Big Foot. Most folks would rather have him
living next door anyway.
*****
I have a theory that something about the mechanical
action of striking one’s thumb with a hammer magnetizes the digit.
I blackened my left thumbnail during a home improvement project and
it now seems to attract hammers, car doors, cabinet handles, or
anything else that might send another shock wave up my arm. There
must be a research grant in this for an enterprising university from
a generous benefactor somewhere. Home Depot, perhaps?
*****
Long-time readers of this space may recall I used to
refer to my children as “Girl-Child” and “Boy-Child,” a device
intended to give them plausible deniability but that instead earned
them new schoolyard nicknames. My youngest, the former Boy-Child,
recently turned 18 so is technically no longer a child. Girl-Child
beat him by a year and both have finished high school and are, or
soon will be, semi-independent but remain attached through our
hearts – and my wallet. The ties that bind, I guess.
*****
Procter & Gamble has developed a new patch called
“Intrinsa” to do more or less for women what Cialis, Levitra, et al,
do for men. And, I suspect, make television commercials that much
less safe to watch. The patch may be available as early as this
year but the side effects include deepening of the voice and an
increase in body hair. No word on whether the drug giant has
anything to help men ignore the side effects. Let me suggest “Viagramnesia.”
*****
Mexico’s Foreign Ministry has published a comic book
type pamphlet titled “The Guide for the Mexican Migrant,” complete
with handy hints on how to illegally cross the US border and blend
in. Tips include “Thick clothing increases your weight when wet,
and this makes it difficult to swim or float,” and “Try to walk
during times when the heat is not as intense.” It has been said
that good fences make good neighbors; that may be so, but the main
thing that makes good neighbors is good neighbors.
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