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Most academic studies of human nature seem to end up
telling us things we already know. This makes them of little value
to anyone but researchers who earn a good living from grants and
public education money, with no apparent benefit other than to make
the rest of us say “Duh.”
I have written of studies proving that children who
misbehave are spanked more often than those who don’t; that men
prefer to marry women who don’t sleep around or dress like hookers;
that violent song lyrics make young listeners aggressive, and; that
schoolyard bullies don’t care about their victims’ feelings.
Duh, duh, duh, and duh.
Now, from McMaster University in Ontario, Canada, comes
news we can actually use: Being around pretty women makes men
stupid.
OK, that's not really news and your first reaction
might be “At least this is Canadian tax dollars at work, not mine.”
But with a little imagination it might just be the most useful piece
of social research to come down the pike in years, especially in the
hands of married men.
Before I get to that, the study found that feminine
beauty fogs a man’s ability to think ahead. Netscape News reports
researchers showed male and female college students pictures of
members of the opposite sex, some attractive and some homely
(presumably the pictures, not the students). The subjects were then
offered the choice of either taking either a small amount of money
immediately or a much larger sum a short time later.
Females waited for the big bucks whether they were
looking at a Brad Pitt clone or Pee Wee Herman wannabes, which
explains why women should generally handle the family budget. Males
who were shown photos of average looking women made the wise choice
and waited for a larger check, but those shown beauties grabbed the
smaller amount at once.
This scientifically established fact, my married
brothers, is a license to kill. Let’s say your wife sends you to
the local mega-box home store one sunny morning to pick up a dozen
2-gallon chrysanthemums and a few bags of mulch. You can’t tell a
chrysanthemum from a kettledrum so you ask the kid in the garden
department for help. He usually works in paint and has never heard
of chrysanthemums or kettledrums but tells you about a really cool
sale on airless paint sprayers. You know what those are, so you
head over to have a look.
You finally get home around dinnertime lugging a new
10-inch miter saw with a built-in laser guide you passed on the way
to the paint department. You couldn’t remember why your wife wanted
a paint sprayer for the life of you, much less a kettledrum, but you
did recall her saying something about mulch. There is no better
mulch than sawdust and since you wanted to build a cabinet to house
your Star Wars action figures anyway, you thought you’d kill two
birds with one stone.
If there is any killing to be done, your wife is going
to do it judging from the look in her eyes. When she calms down
enough for you to understand what she is saying, you finally make
out the words “How could you possibly be so stupid?”
And this (cue the drum roll) is when you pull out the
McMaster study.
“Honey,” you explain humbly and with downcast eyes, “I
am just so blinded by your incredible beauty that I can’t think
straight. It’s a proven fact. I am very sorry, but you can’t fight
biology.”
Yep, that should work. I’m so confident that I invite
any married man to give it a try and let me know how it goes.
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