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For those who don’t believe in answered prayers, I offer
today’s column as “Exhibit C.” (Exhibits A and B are more
impressive but I’ll take what I can get when it’s almost time to
send a column.)
I had just prayed for inspiration other than the icy
cold fear of my deadline when an email arrived from a fellow I will
call “Jordan,” since that’s how he signed his letter. Jordan took
grave offense at a column I wrote about a proposed Illinois law to
restrict the practice of having one’s tongue surgically split to
look like a lizard’s, giving me food for thought and someone to make
fun of.
And yes, before I get to Jordan, I know you’re not
supposed to end a sentence with a preposition. Winston Churchill is
said to have reacted to an editor’s awkward rewrite of a sentence
the statesman ended with a preposition by shooting back “This is the
sort of English up with which I will not put.” I have yet to be
mistaken for Churchill, but if he can get away with it it’s worth a
try.
As it turned out, Jordan was not bothered by my abuse of
grammar. Instead he was irked by what he thought was ridicule of
“body modification,” the use of surgery and other procedures to make
oneself resemble a lizard, a Klingon, Mr. Potato Head, Mr. Ed, or
whatever else strikes one’s fancy.
I actually came out against the Illinois law, writing “I
have always, and will always, support any American’s right to look
like an idiot.”
How much more supportive could I get? I’m something of
a libertarian at heart, except the parts of that philosophy that are
nuts. As I wrote in my earlier column, “… if an adult wants to live
life as a Komodo dragon it’s probably best to just stand out of the
way.”
The Illinois law was approved anyway, which Jordan may
believe is my doing. His literary assessment of my column consisted
largely of unprintable speculations about my personal life, with
nary a word about prepositions. Besides, he wrote, “How can you
criticize based on the way somebody looks, when you are a, I’ll put
it gentle (sic), ‘not so good looking’ middle-aged man who is
balding ...”
Now that bothered me, since my standard reply to the
greeting “How are you?” is “Not bad for a middle-aged bald guy.” It
made me wonder whether Jordan might be someone I know, except I
don’t know anyone who looks like a lizard, at least not on purpose.
On closer examination of Jordan’s critique, it appears
he found my column and photo on the Internet, though I can’t
entirely rule out the kid at Starbucks. In any event, Jordan has a
different view of body modification than we mainstream types.
“I believe that our bodies are blank canvases, and some
of those who are artistically inclined chose to beautify themselves
in a way that makes them feel good about themselves, others just
chose to get bald, fat, and old,” he wrote.
Hey Jordan, write back in 20 years and let me know how
it’s going. My bet is that lizards get bald, fat, and old too,
especially the ones that don’t know they’re really human.
Jordan, who identified himself as part of the “modified
community,” was most riled by my opinion that body modification is
mostly about the shock value. At least he didn’t say “Modified
American,” but body modification isn’t so much a community as a way
to withdraw from one. The our-body-is-a-canvas shtick is a nice
try, but Jordan’s crude personal attack over what was really a
pretty silly column gives him away.
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