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CORRECTION: It is the
policy of the Brent Morrison Column to promptly correct any
inaccuracies. In a recent column, I referred to my daughter’s dog
as “a buck-toothed cocker spaniel with bladder problems.” It has
been brought to my attention that his dental condition is
technically an overbite and that he is not, in fact, buck-toothed.
Accordingly, the description should have read “a beaver-faced cocker
spaniel with bladder problems.” I regret the error.
*****
Throughout the ages, one question has plagued all who
pondered the mysteries of the universe: Can people swim faster in
water or syrup? We can now have peace of mind thanks to the
University of Minnesota. Researchers dumped about 700 pounds of
guar gum, a food thickener, into a 25-meter swimming pool to make
goop twice the thickness of water. According to the “American
Institute of Chemistry and Engineering Journal,” 16 volunteers then
swam laps in both the slime and in water, with no significant
differences in their times. No explanation was given as to how they
found that many volunteers. Maybe they told them the gunk was low
carb water.
*****
My wife hosted her
women’s book club recently, and as is her habit, chose a book that
had been made into a movie. I usually lurk in the background during
these bashes rather than leave because she always rents the movie
and stocks up on theater snacks to set the mood. I stay out of the
meeting and the movie, but find excuses to casually stroll by for a
fistful of Jujyfruits. This time, though, she showed “The Stepford
Wives,” and not the sanitized 2004 Nicole Kidman remake but the
original 1975 women’s lib horror flick. I wasn’t going to walk
through that crowd no matter how many bowls of Junior Mints they
laid out. Seemed too much like bait.
*****
This Spam thing has gone too far: A Spanish company
called Global Spectrum now allows subscribers to send email from the
grave. Complete with photo or video attachments, you can arrange
for one message at no charge or subscribe to a variety of services
including a “lifetime membership” (odd name for something that only
kicks in when you die) that guarantees unlimited post mortem
e-mails. On second thought, maybe it’s not such a bad idea; I think
I’ll sign up every mortgage company, Internet pharmacy, and weight
loss scam that has flooded my inbox over the last ten years. You
can’t take it with you, but it might be fun to send it all back.
*****
The emergency services
department of Muskegon County, Michigan, recently conducted a
preparedness drill by simulating an attack on a bus full of public
school children by a fictional group of crazed home schoolers it
dubbed “Wackos Against Schools and Education.” This nasty little
bit of propaganda was funded in part by a federal homeland security
grant, which doesn’t make either me or my wallet feel any safer. In
an unrelated story, a study by the Thomas B. Fordham Institute
released in September found that public school teachers are twice as
likely as the general public to put their own children in private
schools. More wackos, I guess.
*****
APOLOGY: While
finishing this column I was informed that the aforementioned cocker
spaniel is “very sensitive” about his bladder trouble. I hadn’t
noticed that, but not wishing to hurt the feelings of any animal or
its owner (or to hear about it for the rest of my life), I would
like to express my sincere regrets for any offense I have caused.
Besides, I know what it’s like to have someone rain on your parade –
or just piddle on your carpet, for that matter.
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