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My daughter brought home a somewhat dysfunctional cocker spaniel pup
she dubbed “Travis Barker,” after the drummer in a band she
fancies. My son added a middle name that is more descriptive:
“Sprinkles.” He is a sweet-natured thing but has an overbite that
would do a beaver proud, feet like Sasquatch, and an odor that could
flatten a buffalo if it weren’t for constant baths. When we took
him to get fixed (an odd term; don't they really break
something?) our veterinarian discovered yet another physical oddity,
which I don’t understand beyond the fact that it added $100 to the
cost of the fixing. His staff did praise us for taking in a
“special needs” dog. Some consolation there, I suppose.
*****
My daughter has selected a college about which I remember little
except the tuition. Her only special need is for cash, though. I
have long had the happy delusion that children become less expensive
when they are grown, but I now know that apron strings snap a lot
faster than purse strings.
*****
And God said, “If it feels good, do it, dude.” A British
organization that calls itself “One” has released a book titled
“Good as New,” which it bills a translation of the Bible. The group
lists a single author, which is odd since real translations require
teams of experts in the various Biblical languages. Odder still are
the translations; Paul’s advice in 1 Corinthians that people marry
if they can’t control their desires becomes “If you know you have
strong needs, get yourself a partner. Better than being
frustrated.” Throw in a pack of condoms and you’d have a junior
high health textbook.
*****
Michael Moore’s latest rant, “Fahrenheit 9/11,” opened with an
impressive $21.8 million weekend in theaters around the country. He
might need it; author Ray Bradbury is miffed at Moore for
“plagiarizing” the title of his science fiction classic, “Fahrenheit
451.” Bradbury had not threatened legal action as of my deadline,
but calls Moore “dreadful” and “deceitful.” Odd that Moore could
hallucinate an entire documentary then have his imagination fail him
for a title.
*****
The south will rise again, and smack you with their walkers. After
it was reported that the last living widow of a Confederate soldier
died in Alabama on May 31 this year, another popped up in Arkansas.
Maudie Hopkins, 89, married ex-Confederate William Cantrell in 1934
when she was 19 and he was 86. There was a lot of that going on
apparently, which left several Confederate widows kicking after the
last Union bride bit the dust. With that kind of energy it’s a
wonder they lost.
*****
A Kansas City police officer admits using a Taser stun gun on a
68-year-old woman after she
honked the horn of her car while pulling in front of her
house. She claims it was an accident; the officer felt it was a
clear case of aggravated honking. He’s been suspended while the
soon-to-be great-grandmother was cited for “misuse of a horn on a
city street.” Heaven help her if she tries that at the airport.
*****
We bought our son an electric scooter for his high school
graduation, which will have to do until he gets a driver’s license.
I was a little leery about the idea, but it turns out every cop in
town stops him because it looks like a gas scooter, which would need
a license plate. He has taken to carrying the motor vehicle code
section with him, but that still leaves me with a fleet of armed,
taxpayer-funded babysitters to make sure he behaves himself on the
thing. If I’d known this I’d have bought him one when the training
wheels came off his bicycle.
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