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Tongue Splitting and
the Lizard People
Week of May 5, 2003 |
I think I owe “Extreme Makeover” an apology. I have
been a little rough on the ABC reality series, but the Chicago
Sun-Times reports at least one Illinois state legislator knows a
real extreme makeover when he sees it.
David Miller, a representative from Calumet City,
has introduced legislation
that would in essence ban “tongue splitting,” the practice of
surgically dividing the tongue to make a person look like a lizard.
A similar proposal failed to become law in Michigan last year.
I wasn’t aware that wanting to look like a lizard was a
big problem in Illinois, but Miller, who is also a practicing
dentist, believes the procedure should be performed only by licensed
medical professionals and solely for “sound medical reasons.”
I have no idea what those might be. If the Illinois
state legislature is like most political bodies it already has its
share of forked tongues. Who’d notice a few more?
I have always, and will always, support any American’s
right to look like an idiot. Well, not any American’s; I once told
my son he can have his ears pierced when he’s 18, has moved out of
the house, and I’m dead. I may only get two out of three on that
one but if an adult wants to live life as a Komodo dragon it’s
probably best to just stand out of the way.
I would, however, take exception if these folks start
pressing insurers or taxpayers to spring for the transformation. I
can hear it now: “You see, Oprah, I may look like a regular guy but
I’m actually a gecko trapped in a man’s body. It’s not my fault!”
Tongue splitting is a subset of a larger trend called
body modification. Tattooing and body piercings like those of the
nose, lips, and tongue are also part of it, though little more than
child’s play to sincere devotees.
I visited a web site dedicated to the practice, the
address of which I will keep to myself to spare the overly curious
months of therapy. Suffice it to say that of the variants listed of
which I have any idea as to the meaning, most couldn’t be printed in
a family paper. Those I can repeat include pocketing,
scarification, nailing, tooth art, facial sculpture, fingernail
modification, 3-D art implants, and amputation.
The last item comes as something of a vindication; I
predicted in a
1999 column
that amputation would become stylish when tattoos and piercings fail
to get a sufficient rise out of the average citizen. That piece
yielded a fair number of shocked, disbelieving emails, which I now
wish I had kept.
So what do these self-inflicted maimings mean? The
editor of the body modification web site argues that not only can
one judge people by their appearance, we should when it comes to
body modification.
“There’s nothing wrong with judging a book by its cover
when the author actually got to design it – a well designed cover
should reflect the content of the book quite accurately,” writes the
being, whose exact gender and species are difficult to determine
from the accompanying photo. The commentary closes with several key
considerations to be weighed before undergoing body modification,
including its “true meaning,” supposedly known only to person
choosing the alterations.
If people really did know the significance of all their
actions the psychotherapy industry could close its collective doors
immediately. Despite protests to the contrary, a desire to shock or
alienate others is likely the biggest motivation, and in any event a
predicable result. Piercings, body modifications, and the like are
hardly the only way to accomplish this; the less surgically inclined
do it with their language, comments, and general demeanor. If we
can dope out why that need exists, we will have found something
worth modifying.
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